The Journey Home...

...

2009-02-27T08:42:00.000-08:00

i really don't know what i'm feeling now i suppose. my goodness, this is like those years with the emotional ups and downs. a roller coaster of moods all pent into one.

i so want to tell myself, hey dude, grow up~ *sigh*

between the hollywöod tape and a relook at friendship

2009-02-17T22:08:00.000-08:00

so i shall start with something embarrassing,the lower part of my pants' thread kind of let go? in the end after walking from the mrt to the office it looks as if it ripped from bottom up. i'm talking about 20cm rip here? ö gawd.. in the end i scotch taped my pants from inside haha.. and if i'm a celebrity, it'll be called the hollywood tape haha~ fortunately after multiple taping every now and then it actualy lasted the whole day :p

anyway off to more serious matters. today i kind of ponder about my friendship with this group of friends.. it somehow doesn't feel fulfilling? in a strange manner u don't feel rejuvinated by the end of the day after meeting them? maybe it's my headache and the stress i've been getting from work also. but i'm getting more and more tired i suppose. hmmm...

i so wonder if my friends feel the same way as i do though.

i'm thinking maybe it's the same way as JC last time when i tried so very hard to fit in that i became a totally different person. i got to the point that i was so sure they wouldn't like who i really was or something?

who am i kidding really? hmmm.. i juz wanna sleep it off, my head's hurting. ergh~

we're just human...

2009-02-12T02:10:00.000-08:00

it's interesting to know how the person whom i thought oozes self confidence has so many insecurities about himself. i'm not saying that it's something entirely negative, it just puts many things into a different perspective. i guess everybody is just human in every sense, right? or is this maybe my insecurity a'calling? (hehe)

the odd one out?

2009-02-01T01:32:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wonder in life if i do fit in with the group i am/was in or i TRY to fit in. take junior college life as an example, it was the time when friends' acceptance was most important more than anything else. can't say that my jc life was bad at all, i was in a good school with nice friends, had a reputable eca even. but looking back, i kind of question myself again. in between the awkward conversation, forced laughter and all, who am i kidding, i don't think i belong there..

now at work i kind of have a sense of belonging with what i am currently doing and the people i work with. i even go out with them sometimes to hang out or just have a random drink during the weekend. but as i lay here in my room at 1.30am on a new sunday, i wonder.. do i really belong with these friends? or am i trying to fit in again?

i probably do not have the answer now. i may not even know ever? the bigger question maybe is why am i even wondering about this? (yeah why?) people walk through their lives, day in day out, you're bound to meet all sorts of people. some will be left behind as memory but there are some i guess, those few ones who become your true friends. i'll try to put these doubts and insecurity aside first (as much as i can) and glide with my daily life for now. there'll be time to evaluate later, but for now let me just live my life the way it is... hmmm...

ACHÖOO... >_<

2009-01-17T01:34:00.000-08:00

i'm feeling like a disposable tissue ryt now. when my friends are in need they come looking for me, but dispose me as soon as they're back on track. haha.. o well, i guess i should be glad of 2 things in general:
1. they remember me at their times of need
2. they're back on track!
or maybe another one:
3. they don't read my blog (haha..)

o well, i'm juz glad i can be a so-called-friend i guess~ i wonder if i do the same to my friends too *pönder*

books books books~

2009-01-08T22:20:00.000-08:00

what a way to begin the year. falling ill~

so today i didn't go to work and instead lie around trying to give myself a rest. i suppose i'm a tad over exhausted after the ultra busy schedule i had last week. i suppose i was being too ambitious and playing hard to please all my friends by meeting ALL of them all at one go.

anyway i'm' glad that i'm about 8 days into the 2009 and so far i'm enjoying my new year's resolution (one among the many haha) which is to get back to reading. i just finished reading the kite runner yesterday. very very emotional book, i would really recommend this particular book to you~

prior to the kite runner, i also finished a light on your face LOL book called a year in the merde (that is sh*t in french) basically an almost biography of a british guy and his experience in france. pretty interesting read too. may want to borrow the sequel(s) from my friend soon...

and then there was the freakonomics. one book that i could never complete no matter how hard i tried. i've checked this book sooo many times from the national library but couldn't really have the time (yeah right haha) to finish the book. anyway in a stupid i just have to do it prehistoric impulse kind of way, i've decided to BUY the book instead. this way i'm forced to really read the book haha~ anyway yeah i'm glad i did that, the book is a gem (although i must say i enjoy his additional new york times' articles more than the book errr... haha)

another book i recently finished was the alchemist. recommended by a friend who told me that it's a very inspiring book. and yes, in times like these we all need inspiration once in a while don't we? so i borrowed a copy from the national library (WHICH I HAVE TO RETURN SOON! ARGH!!!) and quite enjoyed the book. very very positive read i must say, almost disney even (haha) uplifting and inspiriting it is. i think it's perfect for some of my friends who are always having problems at work and everything, sometimes it's maktub (written) and you're actually off to a bigger thing if you have the patience :)

i still have a few books lining up before me. there are neil gaiman's the american gods and anansi boys. not sure if it's good, but since it's neil gaiman, i would think they should be of a certain standard? and i would love to read the tipping point or blink. again, like freakonomics, i've checked it out from the national library so many times but yet didn't have the determination to finish it. i wonder if i should buy them, i heard he came out with a new book called the outlier but i hesitate about that one. it's the one thing i am never quite sure about, to be an outlier. sometimes i enjoy blending among the crowd more :p hmmm~ but there are times when you feel good to be "different" i guess...

aaaaanyway, any good read to recommend? :)

my 2009 wish~

2008-12-31T11:55:00.000-08:00

so it's the last day of the 2008, within 12 hours and 5 minutes we'll all
be in the 2009. i wish i can say that i'm unaffected about all these
overhyped roman calendar (more specifically julian calendar actually) new
year but today i'm feeling rather reflective. it's one of the very same
feeling you get at the end of a one week holiday just before the exams. you
end up wondering where have all the days gone to? and darn it you could've
utilized those hours better.

i did things i wasn't proud of, said things i wish i didn't amongst other
things but probably i should learn being more positive every now and then.

as usual, there's a fleeting thought in my head, if only human can be an
asocial being. do we necessarily need people around us to actually live?
maybe our lives are defined by the people around us, what they feel about
us, what they think about us and also who are they really (to us maybe)?

it's sad really to think of it that way, can't we be ourselves because we
want to. be ourselves because we are.

and a gazillion other people will definitely say, yes you should be
yourself... *sure*

but when the society is build in a certain manner that you are expected to
be this way, that way and everything else, i can't help feeling just a
little bit down

(at this point i wonder if my colleagues' negative impression of their jobs
kind of rub in the wrong way for the past few days hmmm...)

imagine this scenario, let's say a person ideally throws his
job/career/life to pursue his "dream" or so he thinks ala "the alchemist".
what do you think the society will think?

what about this one. if a person is generally shy and rather awkward when
meeting new people. why is it judge as "wrong" or a "weakness"? (mind you
the quotation marks really)

not that i'm saying i can relate (or want to relate) to both scenarios
above, somehow it just popped in my head (blink?). somehow i just don't get
how the society works. and since society where we are living in builds who
we really are (aw really?), well i must say i don't quite understand myself
clearly. i find myself doing many many things just because (yes there's no
continuation to that sentence... just because...)

well most of all i wish a many things in the new 2009 but above them, i
hope i know more of myself in the coming year. hmmm....~

when you loathe your job so much~

2008-12-29T14:00:00.000-08:00

so a friend was complaining about his job today. well actually not really
complaining probably, it's more of he looks somewhat lifeless today. it's
been going on for a few days (around a week maybe?) but today he was
exceptionally lifeless. after much inquiring he mentioned that he's
dreading his job and colleagues at the office. sounds like something that
everybody has nagging behind their back right? he is so depressed about
this that he seems to be losing sleep and everything.

odd huh? it made me thinking about myself hmm.. can't really say i'm in
love with my job but i can't really say i loathe my job either. i'm fine
with it (maybe i lack passion, as my boss said haha~), there are good days
and of course there are bad days. it's the very same way like how life is.
life sucks. so what, that's old news, everybody knows that haha. doesn't
mean you stop living right?

i really hope he'd cheer up though. there's always options all around. i
always believe in options. it's a matter of choosing it and being patient
in waiting for that option to appear. in the meantime, just try to enjoy
the ride i suppose :)

what type of friend are u?

2008-12-28T01:35:00.000-08:00

have u done these kind of quiz before? facebook actually helped circulate and popularize such quizes, surely if u have an account there u've been invited to one in the past.

the thing is, i don't need to do one to know what type of friend i am. i am a FLAKY friend, yes i am~

i have a few close friends in the past whom over some reason or situation i don't keep in contact anymore. sad huh? it's not that i do not treasure the friendship nor the time (and effort) 'invested' in that friendship, but somehow.. hmm..

i'm juz thinking, maybe the reason is me? i'm not too sure. sometimes i try to blame it on geographical limitation or time constraints but it's as much correlation as the decrease in crime with the government policy (yes i've been reading Freakonomics FINALLY!).

you know something, i fear that i'll end up alone and sad in the future because i don't have anyone whom i can call a 'close friend'

maybe i will, maybe i won't. hmm.. just a rambling at 1am on a sunday night.. hmm..

whine whine whine~

2008-12-22T04:53:00.000-08:00

i actually wrote a long long entry regarding how bad these past few days have been for me but you know something, i'm getting sick whining.

let me just summarize it:
i'm boring~

deal with it...

feel like going for a drink somewhere ergh...

i get so easily distracted ergh~

2008-12-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

i dunno why i'm so bothered by that comment just now. a close friend was joking, he implied that they talked behind my back. well who won't be bothered right? hmmm maybe i'm EVEN more bothered because it's a close friend and i don't quite expect it more than the whole notion of having my negative trait(s) dissed out in the open (aw shucks haha). the thing is can you just talk without letting me know (or even the slight notion of implying -_-")

well anyway now i'm more than curious on what was actually exchanged between these 2 friends of mine really. you know the stupid thing is i might just be distracted simply by a stupid joke and maybe just maybe they didn't even talk about me at all (or just a fleeting comment? *shrugs*)

as usual i think i'm being silly (re: STUPID) i guess hehe.. having a long melancholic mood now. darn, it's such a bad character trait. maybe it's a good topic for them to discuss next time? hahaha :D *ok NOW i can laugh all about it*

the pooh bear boy~

2008-12-15T23:37:00.000-08:00

the best thing with going back is probably the feeling of familiarity. how i feel that i know the places around my home, visiting late night supper with my mum and all. so one night my mum, auntie and i went for noodle nearby my place after a whole day of shopping (hehe!). this is probably part of the reason why i always gain weight in jakarta! it seems mothers take delight feeding their children continuously. definitely something i don't quite comprehend, but o well maybe it's a mother thing? o_0

anyway while waiting for our food, a little boy approached us. first we were curious what he wanted *immediately feeling my wallet in case he's a pickpocket haha.. hey i was in jakarta after all, to give them credit the pickpocketers in indon are good!* turns out he was selling some traditional cake and asking people from table to table if they are interested to buy some.

i couldn't help feeling a deep sense of pity for this boy. he's no more than 7? maybe 8 years old? looked like one of the neighbourhood boys actually, clean and decent looking but there he was at 10.30pm in the late hour of the evening trying to sell some cakes. he had this pooh bear sling bag to probably act as his purse.

first thing in my mind was doesn't he need to go to school the next morning?

hmmm... it was heartbreaking more than anything else~

i didn't buy anything from that boy, until now i'm also not sure why i didn't buy anything. would i be helping him if i buy a few tidbits from him? or maybe his parents will ask him to sell more even after that? i dunno... it was reflex more than anything else to say "no thank you" the moment he asked i guess..

sometimes we wonder about our childhood and feel that others had it better than we did. some were so very lucky. yes, i'm not denying that fact. some were, some ARE lucky however don't forget those who were (are) less fortunate than us (believe me, there are MANY).

hey, that's life, we can't choose how we're borne i suppose. but we can choose how we live. make the best out of what we're given and we'll be fine...

i really do hope that pooh bear boy can grow up as someone with a bright bright future ahead of him though~ hmmm....

a friend's wedding and all

2008-12-14T21:26:00.000-08:00

so i went back to jakarta last week to attend my friend's wedding and at the same time clear 2 days of leave that i won't be able to carry forward. i must say it was one fun, crazy and slightly surreal experience all bundled into one. maybe it's the break from work? (yeah that must be IT! hehe) as i was telling my friend, i was more excited to get away from singapore then going back jakarta actually :p

this time around i have more time to sleep and meet up with old friends (those i haven't met for the longest time). had a really nice long chat with them too, didn't realize how much i miss my life back in jakarta... so many things to write, i'm not even sure where to start. maybe i'll break it into a few entries depending on which comes to mind first hmm..

i'll start with the wedding first since it was one of the main reasons why i went back. as most of you are probably aware, weddings in indo (jakarta?) are big gala events for everyone; not only for the bride&groom but also the family (of course), friends (kaypoh as we can be haha) and even attendees (c'mon some spend hours in the salon prior to the wedding!).

being held in a supposed big restaurant, my friends asked me to wear a blazer (which i ignore haha) but lo and behold virtually EVERY GUY in the room was wearing blazers (except for the waiters -_-" and some uncle or uncle looking people (kekeke) who were wearing the batik shirt.

it's been so long since i met up with the big group. most of them are usually too busy to turn up during normal get-togethers nowadays, i guess they especially take time off for this wedding.

here's a group pose :)

wira's missing coz he was taking the picture though :p he asked (re: forced) me to bring my 40D which i agreed on condition he was to lug it around during the party hehehe...

of course we didn't forget to do silly poses (good thing our tables were in one obscure corner <-- i wonder if it was pre arranged by the groom haha)...

and yes it WAS wine in the glass i'm holding in the picture, i CAN down liquor these days (if only one glass haha)

wat the heck are you trying to make me drink??? ergh!!!

one of my best FRIENDs.. :)

there are crazier poses with other friends but i think i'll keep it for my own keep sake (haha..)

hey yo, haven't met aling for a while after she's attached, seems like she's busy with her work too. we were seated in different tables too so didn't get much time to chat. i really like this shot though, i thought it's nice~

i suppose the whole party felt so nostalgic.. as if we're back in the uni days again. o well, the whole 5 days trip/holiday to jakarta felt nostalgic this time around i guess... hmmm...

anyway, shouldn't steal the limelight too much (hehehe), congratulation again to steve and yenni for your wedding, wish you two the very very BEST! :)

one two three four~

2008-11-30T09:49:00.000-08:00

this song is so so soothing, it's going to be my soundtrack for the week (esp when i'm all stressed out and everything haha) can't get enough of sesame street, really :D

off to buy birthday gift for my friend now *rush rush rush*

fallen~

2008-11-28T20:27:00.000-08:00

how many times do i have to fall today? my goodness~

juz now i went to sitex08 which is an it exhibitiön held in expo. hmm.. come to tink of it maybe sitex stands for singapore it exhibition haha.. anyway back to the main story, i juz walked into the hall reading tis interesting brochure a gal passed to me earlier when i tripped onto a trolley tis guy was holding. argh! of coz i did the normal, i'm-fine-nothing-happened routine, picked myself up quickly and blend into the crowd! but man, tat was quite embarrassing!

then earlier i was running home from the bus stop frantically (coz i really3 need to pee haha) when i was so glad to see the common toilet nearby my condo's pool when i slipped in the toilet floor. i'd like to tink it's the post shower messines btw~ (ew! haha)

i seriously don't know wat's going on today? my arm's hurting from the recent toilet fall and my ego's bruising falling in the middle of the exhibition crowd but wth i'm gönna ignore those, it's the weekend after all. i wanna enjoy my weekend! *initiating brain shutdown in 5min.. wait let me bathe first, wat if it wasn't shower water? YIKES!*

post "holiday" syndrome

2008-11-23T11:08:00.000-08:00

ok fine it was a business trip and not a HOLIDAY holiday, but it was in this really beautiful resort in bali (conrad hotel). although it was meant to be a series of meeting with our indonesian distributor and their dealers, nevertheless i can't help enjoying the very very blue sky and the wide wide WIIIIDE beach AND the neverending horizon~

when i reached there i realized how i miss bali (AND a holiday haha). i miss how green the padi field and how blue the sea there are...

anyways the meeting went according to the plan and even my new boss seemed to be in a very good mood albeit his habit of drinking just a lil' too much (it did contribute to his good mood though haha)

too bad i didn't have much personal time, after the series of meeting and talks we only had time to go to tanah lot. the scenery there was AMAZING~ it was great great GREAT! until it started raining. i think i totally jinx my trips to tanah lot, previously when i went there with my 2 other friends a couple of years back it rained too. this tanah lot actually is famous for its sunset since the sun will go down just behind the pura (temple) making it a somewhat postcard looking scene. o well maybe 3rd time's a charm? if i go there next time MAYBE it won't rain on me anymore? (stupid random probability bias haha)

during the last day my boss took the 1pm flight while i arranged for a 4.30 flight. he's going malaysia for another meeting while i'm returning to singapore. thought i would have enough time on my own to explore the kuta beach and do some last minute shopping~ so i hitchhiked one of my indonesian counterpart and her dealer to go kuta at about 12ish by a chartered taxi. she said she needs to go to the bookstore for 15 min to do a short market visit (which i'm fine with, hey it's just 15 min right) but NOOOOO the taxi driver got us LOST LOST LOST! hahaha! it was ironically funny coz we were going round and round this Jalan Gatot Subroto but we couldn't find the so called PLAZA. and btw bali has this regulation that buildings cannot be higher than the palm tree soooo the "plaza" was practically a 2 story puny building tucked in a corner somewhere. took us HOURS to find this plaza (which btw was so obscure that the locals living around the area doesn't know about its existent o_0)

in the end i didn't have time to visit kuta beach and my shopping plan went up in smokes. o well, at least i know 2 nice people at the end of the "city tour" (we were joking about that in the cab while we were lost). had to do my last minute shopping getting ripped off at the airport. told myself i'm helping out greasing the wheel of economy in indonesia by contributing my S$ at the airport hahaha~ :D

all in all i still enjoyed the trip very much. thought it was a great break from the normal yawn worthy meeting and everything. must thank my indonesian distributor for inviting us (me?) for the trip~ can't believe i was making such a fuss for getting dragged for this trip last minute about a week ago (haha!) see, sometimes we have to view things more positively, not every change is BAD and even when it doesn't go as your plan, there are those times when you'll gain more than your original plan! :)

i love bali, hope to be back soon!

the view from Conrad Hotel lobby

what a cozy room

the porch behind the room that interconnects to the main pool! (swimming trunks not incl. haha)

look who i found crawling around in the bathroom! (he's MINE! *put in luggage! kekeke..)

these frangipani flowers are everywhere in bali! so nice! :D

tanah lot from afar...

religious ceremony in tanah lot~

more photos :)

starting to shöw

2008-11-14T00:26:00.000-08:00

i'm juz way töo tired these days,not much time to pause and rethink if the things i churn out are even passable. At these kind of time i feel empty, somehow lacking something in my life. I try not too much about it thöugh, no time to feel down or anything. Until next Thursday is over i juz have to be a running engine.

Can't really lie to myself though, i really still feel empty.. Hmm...

Funny (pathetic? Hehe..) though, this morning while being swamped with work I took some time to eat cup noödles for my breakfast and I was so happy hehe.. Happiness is in a cup of instant nöodles? You bet~

overtime... overdrive...

2008-11-12T00:03:00.000-08:00

tonight i left the office at 21.50 coz i have tons of work i have to complete. even after going back late i was unable to finish all too (duh). anyway interestingly i find the staying late at the office kinda fun (wat are you, sick in the brain??? haha). it reminded me of those days back in uni just before the exams, cramming as much information as possible. or maybe one of those nights just before a class presentation :D

maybe i just like the quietness of the office, doing my ppt slowly while listening to some soft music... i kinda miss school all over again :)

oh a late phone call cheered me up, ms ang called me to chit chat (see, even more i feel like i was back at school! hehe), she told me i'm such an ernie (think sesame street) really? *poke poke* hehe~

thanks for brightening my tiring evening, ms ang!

cheers,

ernie! :D

change in the family!

2008-11-10T23:28:00.000-08:00

sometimes we don't welcome changes right away as something positive. maybe it's human intuition, to reject changes and all? (pretty much like the antibody with foreign object that enters our body? ok bad analogy haha, the talk about avian flu today at the office left its mark in me!) there was some organizational change that happened in the office and almost everyone was not too thrilled to hear the news (me included) but maybe it's an initial reaction? the whole journey to the unknown kicking in more than anything else.

let's see if it will turn out positive in the future. i'm rather apprehensive but who knows right? here's for hoping that it'll come out okay in the end :)

Avenue Q

2008-11-10T00:50:00.000-08:00

after much contemplation i have decided to watch Avenue Q~ so excited to wait until saturday to watch it. today must be one of those weird days when things just come out plain odd? bought tickets for SUNDAY when it was supposed to be SATURDAY! (brain wasn't working properly then) while waiting for the long queue at sistic to ask if i can change the date in the tickets, i decided to do plan B and C haha.. so i called 2 of my friends if they want to buy my wrong tickets but they needed to think first -_-" by the time they said they agreed to buy the tickets, i was already in front of the queue changing the day to saturday.

so now a quiet Avenue Q afternoon with 2 friends is revised to a FUN afternoon with a bunch of friends (5 of em in total now). o well i think it's a show to watch with plenty of friends, all crazy and rowdy i suppose :)

*hum hum* the internet is really really great *FOR POOOOORN* hahahhaa :D

stressed out?! am NOT!

2008-11-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

which drunkard will admit they are too right? haha.. well i must admit that i'm under a lot of stress at the office these days. things are getting crazy and work is piling up. can't seem to have enough time to do everything and those that i did seem to be somewhat below par also. to put everything into perspective yes i do try to do the best i can but i'm not sure if it's even passable. i have a feeling people expect more of me but then again maybe it's just a feeling...

so the other day i had another bad case of headache again, seems like the back of my head was throbbing and i couldn't think straight. when i went to the doctor, she gave me the strangest advice. maybe you should relax a little bit, get a massage once a while and not get too stressed out.

in the end i went home to catch some sleep *only to be woken up by a phonecall from my indian counterpart asking for something which is a bit impossible from our end*

anyway i'm having second (or third or fourth or fifth iuno?) thought about this job i'm doing. on one end i do like this job coz it gives me the opportunity to learn and i feel that the learning curve is still very steep but then again on the other end of the plate there is me struggling with what i'm doing. it's been 8 months and i think i'm still lagging on certain things that i think i should mastered much much earlier.

how am i doing i wonder.

what do my colleagues think.

i seriously think i can do better.

elsewhere?

maybe~

it's the weekend and i'm thinking about all this sh*t, gawd i really need to chill a lil'... *sigh*

space and time

2008-11-08T17:52:00.000-08:00

ok so it's been 3 months plus since the last time i blogged. not that there aren't many things happening, just that these days i'm so tired that i don't feel like blogging. in fact these days i pretty much don't feel like doing anything much

*sigh*

i just need some space and time i guess~

a midnight soliloquy

2008-07-23T00:24:00.000-07:00

of all things i thought of today, i thought of you. it's been so long since i think of you at all if i can be honest. why you may ask. hmmm probably i've been busy in my life, too many things going on at the same time, everything's rather overwhelming i suppose. it might sound like an excuse. it might be one even. maybe i'm just not ready? maybe i'm just afraid of the uncertainties? maybe i don't want to take the plunge? maybe i'm just selfish with my time and such? maybe i'm not the one for you? maybe... again so many uncertainties~ *sigh*

you know some might say that a man must be firm with what he thinks, knows how to make a decision and not show a sign of hesitance. sorry to disappoint you but i'm a man with many doubts. as much as i want to be the perfect person for everybody else, i am not. i suppose i can only be myself...

too many question marks in my life at the moment. what if this? what if that? what if this isn't this? and what if that doesn't come out that?

i wish i can start over again but what is done is done, life goes on and we move on. what happened really i question myself at 12.20am lying in my bed. i guess nothing has happened. unfortunately it's just something that occurs at a most unfortunate time *sigh* i wish we are at a different time frame and another place maybe, things might be different. but that's wishful thinking~

as i was saying, tonight for the longest time... i think of you and i think i miss you hmmm...

morning stupidity~

2008-07-21T11:05:00.000-07:00

so the other day my colleague and i were discussing about his smoking habit among his other so-called vices when he asked me what was mine. i think my friends can attest to it well enough; i have MAJOR issues with punctuality! *ARGH*

today the weather is so nice, the morning was great and it's so relaxing. and i woke up with a mighty jolt coz it was already 7.30am and by that time i was already supposed to take the LAST bus to my office (if i take the 7.30ish bus usually i'll be the macgyver right on the dot to the last seconds arrive at my office) did i tell you that my company is extremely sticky about punctuality? *ARGH*

so yeah i've decided to (again) take an urgent leave (half day) this morning, rather questionable rule if you ask me but that's for a different post altogether, when i feel less like a loser... -_-" this stupid habit of mine is literally killing my career~

aaaaanyway, while ironing my clothes (oddly enough i always do domestic jobs that i usually neglect during those half day leaves... ahem, this isn't the first time haha~) i thought to myself, how do i solve this problem. the way i see it there are a few options:
* i can get married? then i'll have my wife to wake me up (before she go go? *cringe*) but that's a long run solution i said to myself
* what about getting someone to do a "domestic partnership" (ok ok that equates to living with someone) and where do i find someone nice enough (re: stupid) to do that? -_-"
* move to another company? as much as i love to do so, i can't seem to complain about anything but this punctuality rule *roll eyes*
* or i can just get a new (FRICKIN') phone with a proper alarm that is loud enough to wake me up? (i do have a BRRRRING~ kind of alarm clock aside from my phone but it doesn't come with a snoozing function ermm.. yeah hehe~) my stupid phone goes beep beep beep beep... who the heck wakes up with a beep beep sound? what am i, wile e. coyote? ERGH!

i seriously in need to get a new phone (sounding like an excuse huh? hehe)... or get married? ergh, ok i REALLY REALLY need to get a new phone *pull hair*

cherry kisses...

2008-07-16T11:00:00.001-07:00

today i was eating hershey's kisses cherry that i bought recently at changi on my recent trip to india and thought of something, "wah this cherry flavour chocolate has a very fake taste... mmm... just like me... not that bad actually, quite nice hehhe"

an entry about nothing

2008-05-27T00:53:00.000-07:00

so it's been an insane month so far. went to india 2 weeks ago, malaysia last week and shop til' you drop with friends who came by from jakarta this week *faint* i think i need some time to relax and just exhale a little. don't get me wrong, it's not that i didn't enjoy the trips, enjoyed each one of them in very different manner :) all of them interesting in their own ways however i so want to just kick back and stone for a while hehe...

haven't really done an entry about my india and malaysia trip. hmmm maybe i'll do it tomorrow, was busy (yeah right) with naruto (you call that busy) :p

oh btw i think all these back to back trips made me gain some weight, ergh! time to exercise again? hmmm.... so lazy though hehehhehehe...

KL trip & the phone that crashes~

2008-05-17T04:55:00.000-07:00

ok this is lame i have lived in singapore for a total of 6 or 7 years now and i haven't been to kl before o_0 i have no idea why and how it happened (or not happened) but somehow or rather everytime someone wanted to go there, i was always unavailable to tag along. odd huh?

so i'm pretty excited with this kl trip, so far plan's been great, a bit bumpy at first but everything fell into its places (or so i hope) last minute. was quite worried how on earth am i going to wake up at 4.00+am (since we're meeting at 5.30am at the woodlands checkpoint) but amazingly i woke up on time and even has time to update my blog :p

was just back on monday from india, that's one interesting trip, will write upon that too when i'm back~ so many things to talk about, too many things going on at the same time hehe.

my phone (kinda) died on me also. pretty sad about it but strangely this month is when my contract with singtel ended. i was joking with my friend if singtel's phone comes with a self destruct material (think mission impossible). well to look at it positively, that means i need to buy a new phone right? (on a not so positive outlook was i woke up extremely LATE on friday for work O_o ergh! because i don't have my old trustworthy phone alarm) saw this really pretty phone (hehe) the sony ericsson z770?

strangely the m1 guy told me that it's an exclusive m1 phone so that means other service providers don't carry this item. odd huh? any inputs about this phone? i've been so out of touch of the whole mobile phone world that i don't know what to buy anyway. do recommend me a phone will ya~ :D

anyway, yaye excited to go to kl, hope there are tonnes of things to buy! (but gotta save up enough for the phone? wait the z770 is actually free when i sign a 2 year contract with m1 <-- wooot?)

depressed on peanuts~

2008-05-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

Lucy is so right (at least this time around) ~~~

so i'm leaving for delhi tomorrow evening and will only be back on saturday. wish me luck that the (business) trip will be fruitful and fun at the same time :)

see you guys on saturday! hope to take lotsa pics~

excited excited excited! *nervous nervous nervous*

randomness: singapore big walk~

2008-05-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

past few days have been so so very humid. i hate feeling sticky all the time~

anyways, i'll be leaving for delhi on tuesday evening and will be back only on saturday. very very very nervous about the whole trip since i'll be going with the two senior managers AND to top it all, my boss isn't coming along. and if you're thinking something along, "it's a good exposure to the top management people" crap, please save it, i've been mentally repeating that past few days. ergh~ i guess it's a make it or break it (choi choi choi) moment for me

nervous nervous~

just now i made a walk to golden mile from city hall. it was quite a distance away but i had fun passing by arab street and some other streets that i've never passed by before. kinda interesting to see this part of singapore that is so different from the rest of the sterile country we all are familiar with :p hope to come back again next time, there are a few eateries along the way that looked quite yummy, i bet there are some hidden delicacies around. odin told me that he had russian food (wah) before in this area. hmmm~

just trying to shed the guilt after chowing down the dim sum brunch odin and i had at the red star restaurant. i think the whole chinatown brunch at this place, the queue was unending and it was much MUCH longer when we left compared to the time we came. my goodness! maybe singaporeans have this secret liking to queues? the whole bias of "when there's queue then it must be good" mentality? how odd. i thought the dimsum at taipan jakarta was better than this place *shrugs* but then again maybe i'm just more familiar with the local taste there or maybe the price is about 1/3 of this red star resto despite the former being more posh?

you know what i enjoy the most today?

walking~ haven't been walking for so so so long ever since i started working. i always enjoy my reflective walking moments... hmmm......

how to help a friend?

2008-04-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

do nothing

sometime around this hour next week i would be arriving in delhi. quite a scary thought to be honest. well maybe the word to use is not scary, more of nervous since there are so many uncertainties thrown into the equation. my boss not being there, the vp being there (!), meeting the people i've been liaising for a month and a half now. hope everything goes as planned...

anyway last sunday i was having another one of those long chats with my friend about life, his life mostly. seems like he's in one big junction, just graduated and what's next? hmmm~ yeah what's next. the newspaper repeatedly mentions that the job market is very hot but there are still people who are having difficulties, even clinching the first step of an interview invitation.

sometimes what you need is to let go... there are so many things that we want, so many things we wish to achieve but i think in order to get the first step in those junctions there are times when you just need to close your eyes and pray that your decision is the right one. i'm probably one of those people who dislike uncertainty, usually i'll prepare a list of things to hedge against these uncertainties in case they go horribly wrong. unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) in life, there are those moments whereby your list is basically redundant.

there are times when we worry. worry of failing. worry of not achieving the expectations set. worry of disappointments. worry that we make the right decisions.

i was just sitting down by the pool just now thinking who actually judges if a decision is right or wrong? you will only know if your pick is right/wrong when you have close the last chapter of your life i think. failures and losers. who created them? who named them? each and everyone of us is one at least at one point of time in our lives. those unfortunate moments only make you savour the success even more~

don't worry of disappointing other people, worry if you might disappoint yourself. just do what you feel right, pray on it and never look back. the biggest disappointment in life might be regret. so just stick to your decision and push through. consistency is the key. and don't forget in those moments when you're most fragile - learn to let go.....

crazy about peanuts

2008-04-22T00:41:00.000-07:00

do you read peanuts? strangely i find this comic quite an interesting read. the characters (albeit their age) are rather realistic and you can find yourself laughing at the similarities the situations in the strip with your own life sometimes.

i'm probably like charlie brown with his bad habit of kicking a fuss out of nothing hehe~ but i do so wish i am more like linus that has a blanket to rub his face upon every now and then. hmmm but we all DO have our very own security blanket that we hug every time we feel unsure of ourselves don't we? *think*

Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb (that's 4D)

2008-04-15T22:52:00.000-07:00

why do they call it 4D anyways?

goodness, i just realized that it's been 2 months since i updated the blog. i did have a few thoughts i wanted to write but was too busy and or too tired to even on my laptop. so just a short recap of my life, i just accepted a job in a (decent? haha) consumer electronics company not too long after my bunny dream.

so strange isn't it? i was reading my old post about the bunny dream and true enough i was accepted. my friends and i even joked about wanting to borrow my bunny for their dreams to get their jobs soon too haha~ but if you start thinking that dreams are accurate, think again. about a month ago i dreamt of numbers (yes, a set of 4 numbers!) and harlow in singapore it only tells you about one thing

so there i was stupidly sitting in my bed, quickly saving the 4 numbers in my handphone (in case i forget <-- typical kiasu 'tude! hah!) after pestering risky to help me buy the supposed lucky numbers, i was thinking to myself hmmm i wonder how much will i win? errr..... i was THAT confident ok haha~

so now a month later and $5 poorer (and yes i still owe you the cursed $5, mr risky) i realize that we don't depend on dreams. mostly they remain as that - dreams! the ones that really happen are just sheer coincidence i guess.

but a friend asked what if i dream of another set of 4 numbers again? errrr.... *grin*

part of the puzzle

2008-04-15T22:40:00.000-07:00

i'm still searching for my part in my new job. maybe it's the feeling of insecurity? or it might just be for my own self indulgence? i always like to know that i'm a part of the puzzle. at the moment i'm still finding out which place do i belong to but i can feel that i'm slowly shaping towards the (supposed) right direction. is it the direction that i want though? i wonder~ i seriously wonder hmm~

some people say they love their jobs so much, they wake up excited going to work. at the moment i'm not feeling it yet *sigh* not that i drag myself out of bed to get to work though but i somehow feel that i can do so much more than just this. but trust must be earned and probably the company needs time to see how i really tick. maybe in due time, more responsibility will be passed to me?

the art of giving~

2008-04-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

love don't cost a thing? that is so passe, i was listening to my friend's story about her boyfriend and her. how odd. can you buy some love? apparently now you can hmmm~

if you ask me if i'm willing to spend for my girlfriend (hold your horses people, this is under an assumption IF i have one) of coz i am. in fact it's a guy's pride to buy something nice, a gift, something of value to a loved one but we should remember that thin line when the act of giving is something to make your significant other happy or the gift itself.

do you agree with me? no? why do you think i'm still single? hrmph! -_-"

falling ill

2008-04-12T14:23:00.000-07:00

second time in my one month stint in the new company :(

am i that weak? i wonder~

wat a bunny dream

2008-02-08T16:13:00.000-08:00

Wat a strange dream, last night i dreamt that i had a bunny pet that boinked boinked boinked and jumped to my face to my delight. haven't had such a weird one for a long time so my friend odinzs decided to assist me in deciphering this dream. in indonesia, it is well known to translate dreams into numbers, yes you read that right --> TOTO! haha!

"To see a rabbit in your dream, foretells of luck, magic and of a favourable turn of events and a positive outlook in your future endeavours. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize your sexual activity."

Well that's quite a good one, maybe i'll get my dream job soon? If not, that means i'm just horny and sexually deprived *shucks*....

*for more detailed (supposed) meanings to the bunny dream, click the image*

"What do you want to be in 5 years from now?"

2008-02-04T01:13:00.000-08:00

so tomorrow's officially my first job interview of the year 2008, not sure if it's any reason to cheer remembering it is already the second month now? nevertheless i am truly grateful that i have this one company to call me back for an interview.

as usual i always make rather extensive preparations for my interviews since i'm probably the least impromptu person you can ever find. one question started me thinking again, "what do you want to be in 5 years from now?"

think about it? where do you see yourself then? what will you be doing?

if only we interviewees have to answer truthfully, i bet you most of us will answer, "i have no friggin idea". but of coz if you even hint the prospect of you being an unfocused potential candidate your resume will probably go to the paper shredder within minutes.

here's my honest answer though, although i don't know where i'll be, what i'll be doing and (for the sake of some numerically inclined people - roll eyes) how much i'll be earning, i hope i'm happier than i currently am. i hope my source of happiness is myself. you might think it sounds selfish but personally i think i'm stupid for having some other people dictate my moods and emotions. i hope 5 years from now i can give myself more nods regardless of other people's opinions.

o heck, now i have 4 more years to go then. just passed a year today, shucks.

when will i see your face again?

2008-01-23T14:58:00.000-08:00

wow this is my first post in 2008. 3 weeks in the new year and no interview invitation whatsoever. i'm getting quite worried here hehe *roll eyes* o well nothing i can do other than keep on applying. maybe the companies take time reviewing the CVs?

i was actually planning to go back to Jakarta during the Chinese New Year in February but i just told my mum a couple of days back that i might not be going back after all. feels strange being away from home for quite some time now but i guess my first priority at this time is to nab a job at this point of time.

夏天的聖誕節

2007-12-30T01:05:00.000-08:00

this song never fails to soothe me... do give it a listen :)

i'm still in a very christmasy mood. it's probably my favourite holiday, don't know why really. maybe it's just the whole cozy feeling and nice weather.

as you all know singapore at this end of the year is filled with sale and discounts in almost every shop here. i've always enjoyed walking about alone, just with my mp3 player doing window shopping around. but i realized something during this year's xmas: shopping (even window shopping) with no money kinda suck! seriously! haha~

it just sucks to know that the "maybe" factor is out of the equation during these window shoppings. you kind of know at the back of your mind that you either can't afford it or you don't really need it (at this point of time). so yeah, here i am in singapore, the land of (supposed) sale whereby everybody (well almost) is grabbing every single item on the shelves and there i was not giving those items a second glance :D

i guess this year i'll stick with my cheap entertainment: the national library

dum dee dum~

i'll be home for christmas

2007-12-23T22:09:00.000-08:00

if only in my dream...

as far as i remember this is one of my very few christmas times away from home. of course there was one about a decade ago when i first arrived in singapore but all 35 of us were "stranded" together so it didn't feel that lonely. i must be honest that this year's is exceptionally heart breaking (for lack of a better word)

i suppose it's not really the obvious fact that i'm not with my family during this christmas time but more of a feeling deeper inside. maybe it's the holding hands snuggling sights of couples all over singapore enjoying the cozy festive feel? *a lil jealous? haha* maybe also it's the nice christmas feel around singapore and no family member to share with? OR maybe just maybe it's *AGAIN?* the feeling of uncertainty where i want to go in the next year *supply chain? marketing?* not only where i WANT actually but more of which door will open for me, in that sense. *hopefully both? so that i have the leisure of choice? see, another uncertain factor looming ahead*

i guess i just miss the feeling of being at home, feeling the comfort of slouching in that all too familiar space of a living room, eating home cooked meals. i also miss the feeling of being in my church. you know it's quite strange, i remember clearly last year attending the christmas service in my church back in jakarta, when i arrived i sat down and looked around thinking "i'm actually at home during christmas, i wonder if i would be here next year". ironically here i am sitting in my small rented room alone looking at my laptop screen :)

having said that i must say that i'm grateful that i'm in singapore, i just completed my mba course and everything is fine. yes there are many avenues ahead but i'm just that much grateful for everything that i have gained at this point in time in my life.

well i guess what i'm trying to say is this year's christmas isn't going to be the same. but i'm trying to look at the bright side of things. i want to sleep early tonight and who knows *sigh* i MIGHT be home for christmas, "if only in my dream..." (special thanks to lisa ono for serenading my sleep tonight)

merry christmas to all :)

21st november 2007

2007-12-17T14:05:00.000-08:00

this is actually an entry i have wanted to posted (and DELAYED) for about a month or so. 21st november 2007 was my last day as a student of nus. it feels so strange writing that and let me tell you it felt even stranger being there on that supposed last day. as some might have known, i had wanted to do my masters in nus ever since i finished my bachelor back in jakarta. the thing is that it ended so fast made it feel so... unreal?

so many things happened here, the usual ups and downs. i suppose the world is never rosy anyways. most importantly i would like to think that another chapter of my life is done and now i'm just so looking forward to what's in the next chapter? (yeah, WHAT?)

whatever it is, i'm just glad that one step was done and i would like to think i did it quite adequately. of coz there were a few things that i hoped i didn't do or would do differently however all in all i think it was part of life :)

here's a few pics of my former daily lives with my so called alma mater...

pic 1. staircase that leads to NUS
pic 2. pathway that leads to bus stop from NUS
pic 3. my last "shot" of NUS

525,600 minutes (part one)

2007-12-15T03:28:00.000-08:00

been busy searching for a room to rent for my student that i remembered this song i really liked from the musical "rent" (har har) but seriously, that's how it came about! i wish i could tell you in a more glam way but that's how it was! haha..

seasons of love.. it talks about how do you actually measure a year? in that 525,600 minutes of a year under many circumstances. when you're up and sometimes when you're also down? when you look back 5 years or maybe 10 years even from now. what will you remember and look back upon that 525,600 of those minutes?

the year 2007 is ending soon and 2008 in unfolding very fast now, i hope it's going to be "a season of love" for me...

letter to a friend

2007-11-14T05:04:00.000-08:00

love is a very interesting thing. much of it is still a big mystery, a gigantic loop of bermuda triangle that not many knows how it really works. there are times when what you want and what you need do not align. and there are those when your heart and mind refuse to agree with each other.

u jump off the cliff hoping that particular somebody to catch your fall, but sadly most of the time it ends with tears.

hurt is something that no one can ever get used to i guess. i'm not saying that the other person is at fault or anything. maybe he/ she just feels you're not the right person to catch? maybe the timing is all wrong? or there are those times when they feel the jumper probably deserves someone better? *sigh* whatever the reason. hurt still hurts after all.

ultimately expectation is the root of it all. i think it's just part and puzzle of life. when you learn how to walk you have to fall a few times. nothing wrong about it i guess. mourn about it. give it a day to grieve of lost love and what could have been but was never meant to be. wake up tomorrow take a deep breath of fresh air.

i say live your life my friend, the future is so wide ahead of you. hurt is just part and puzzle of life. embrace your life. embrace your life with open arms and with everything you've got coz we are all a part of the big universe...

wake up tomorrow and take a deep breath of fresh air for your life is waiting for you...

it's all in the mind

2007-10-28T09:29:00.001-07:00

you know what
i've just had enough
of you thinking so low of me
i'm just so tired of it
i may not be as high as i want to be
but i'm definitely not as low as you think of me
i'm just tired
just stop.

バカ

2007-10-17T18:49:00.000-07:00

my MBA experience will end in about 1.5 months and i'm wondering have i done enough? looking back some might ask if i would do it all over, i'd tell them most definitely. but if they ask if there's anything i would want to change, unfortunately i would have to say many. *shrugs* i suppose at this point of time, i can't really give a model answer of 'i wouldn't change a thing for everything that happened has built me the way i am today'.

*smile* yesterday i was having a conversation with my friend about how i like to do things for people. strangely enough today i had a class that ask about our priority in life and my top 3 were being well respected, sense of accomplishment and warm relationship with others. another friend even pointed out that most of my options are more external? it's a rather justification from other parties rather than self. strange? uhuh...

stupid

simple word that sums up my behaviour i guess. think about it? why do i need someone else to gauge how well i am doing. maybe i haven't reached the top of the marslow pyramid? *shrugs*

as human we seem to over complicate matters so for example you have 9 people who appreciate you (or seem so at least haha!) and 1 who couldn't care less. you worry why this 1 person thinks that way and feel negative about yourself. i did write it countless of times that we should be grateful of what we have.

maybe it's like trying to satisfy a parent in a way sometimes. you keep on doing numerous things to make them happy but their reaction is always a constant ignorance? you know how i answer to this?

stupid.

no other word describes me better than that. haha~ *sigh*

path of the empty shell

2007-10-11T21:04:00.000-07:00

can i just walk
walk alone
in this path
called life

just me
me and the wind
breeze on my face
alone

let me keep on going
in this journey
not a thing to care
just me
and myself
finally
content.

a lack of judgement

2007-10-03T04:03:00.000-07:00

just a mild frustration
bad habit dies hard
keep on repeating the same mistake
i know
so know i'm going to get hurt in the end
but why?

feelin' good

2007-10-03T03:57:00.000-07:00

it just feels as if you're on top of the world if you know that everything is going your way. yesterday's interview was a good example, the interviewer asked all the questions i could answer well. getting to the second (or was it third?) round is a different case but i'm just happy that at least i gave my all..

have been quite down with the whole rat race of a job searching these days. my previous interview turned me down saying that they need immediate hire and will keep me in the loop by december. well that sucks, i really wanted that job! phooey~

so this (supposedly) good interview perked me up a lil'

let's see if the feeling is mutual between the interviewer and me though. will know in 3 weeks :)

dear my former friend now acquaintance

2007-09-12T23:34:00.000-07:00

i'm tired of having the same conversation again and again...
why do people have that kind of lack of confidence in themselves and sadly (at least on my part) lack of faith in their friends...
strange really on how i think i have offended a friend - yet again...
another case of misunderstanding (or is it?)...

you know, maybe next time i'll just shut up...
seems like the best solution at this point rather than trying to explain...
or even redeem myself...

as i said...
i'm tired having the same conversation again and again...

stop making excuses...
stop being so over dramatic about the whole issue...

whatever...

let me use this incident to send my gratitude to you...

thank you for your friendship (i guess)...
there were great times and not so fun ones too...
but seems like i know you all too well...
and this incident is an eye opener for me...

now i know and realize...

that we're better acquaintances than friends...

personal disaster

2007-08-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

life can be such a car crash sometimes. you know you're not doing the right thing but the moment you realize it, you're already knee deep...

*sigh* there are times when our small pleasures in the world can be so costly. you kind of know that it'll end up ugly but for momentary things, you are willing to ignore everything and just look up and be dazzled at the fireworks for a while.

*laugh* it's so tragic and yet funny. in a way you know when the last firework pops it's light and glitter you're gonna face the harsh reality. but you know what? i'm tired of thinking what to do, what to decide.

let me just have my hands off the steering wheel for a while and enjoy this beautiful disaster...

optic illusion

2007-08-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

why put a horizon upon yourself when the sky is sooo wide

many a times we limit ourselves with our personal self doubt. i recently went back to jakarta and was chatting with a college friend whom i haven't been in contact for months. we were talking about achievements (or the lack of them! haha) we have had for the past 3 years since we graduated. it kind of saddens me to see that he seems to be taken for granted by his company. the thing is he seems rather content with the condition giving the usual humble excuse.

i'm not saying that being humble is wrong or anything, there are times when eating the humble pie is necessary however let's not make it as an excuse to explore our own capabilities and potentials.

you are who you view yourself. the first step on achieving something is knowing you can achieve it and believe strongly in it. if you are unsure, ask your best friend, they might be a better judge and give you honest opinions regarding your potentials and capabilities. the sky is wide, let's not get trapped in the optic illusion of self doubt.

best friend, BFF, whatchuwannacallit?

2007-07-31T07:05:00.000-07:00

long long midnight chat

you know the saddest thing in life is to get misunderstood. you think of one person as your very best friend but the other person tells you right in your face that you're just some common nobody in his/her life. a friend was sharing about this "mishap" in his recent life. shan't discuss too much about it, i'd like to respect his issues i guess.

it's quite strange but i think being a BFF, "best friend" or "buddy" or whatchuwannacallit is just a label people give to other people and the label does change from day to day. just one question though, does it matter? does it matter if that person thinks of you as a best friend or just a common friend? the way i see it, it's just a matter of feelings rather than labeling. don't get me wrong, i do have my hidden list of "buddies"...

everybody wants to be special (ask sylar if you don't believe me), to be more concise everybody wants to be special for some people. if i give you this much, you should reciprocate that much too. sadly, it doesn't work that way. friendship is a lot like love, it involves a lot of uncertainty and risk. you're putting your feelings right down there on the line but by doing so you will have the best friends in your life.

think of it the finance way, the higher the risk.... (everybody says) the higher the return. i think most of the time it is better to do things because you want to (regardless of what the other party thinks or wants) rather than being forced too. everything in this world is a choice, no one forces anything to us. ultimately it is us who choose a certain option. yes, there'd be people who try to shove their piece of mind in our lives but if you don't like it, we're always free to walkaway.

i guess we all shouldn't worry so much, people do stumble a little every now and then. it is how we pick ourselves up and continue walking that counts. just be yourself and the rest will fall in its own places. as the sermon last sunday said, God created us all beautiful in every sense and meaning - there's no reason to be somebody else :)

why?

2007-07-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

today i was walking happily with my mp3 the new monkey majik album playing. went into the library when this rude librarian scolded me REALLY loudly. i mean i blasted my mp3 quite loud and i could still hear it clearly -_-" it INSTANTLY killed my mood right there and then.

do you know that all of us has that "power"? to make someone's day better or in this case the other way round.

question: why do we like spoiling people's day more than making it better? a new anomaly that i realize is quite common and at the same time rather mind boggling...

you're so kiasu

2007-07-03T23:39:00.000-07:00

*yawn* tell me something new

i must say that the term "kiasu" is so overly used that it kinduv loses its meaning. a couple of weeks back just before my term exams (days when i'm high on red bull) i decided to take one day leave to study. the topic supply chain management is definitely a hard one and more time was definitely needed to crash course the chapters. seriously, interning while taking two modules is a bitch.

i was joking to my boss (come to think of it, it wasn't much of a joke since it was pretty much the truth!) that i've been losing a lot of sleep for the past few days. she told me that mba students don't need to study as much since the chance of failing is very small. i honestly told her that passing is rather easy however getting good grades will not be that simple and since my CV has very little experience compared to the rest i should bulk it up with better grades. (i mean that's the least i can do right?)

then she told me right on my face, "hey, you're so kiasu"

well there were a few immediate replies playing in my head, "aw shaddap" and "HUH?" were among that topped my list but i opted for a loud "HAHAHA..." *ahem* don't ask me why.

anyways, maybe it is me? but i don't see preparing as a negative issue. yes, in the sense i'm not denying that i have my worries about MY grades comparatively to others. but ultimately it's my grade that matters and not others. and it's not that i'm all out telling lies to everyone about the chapters coming out or something?

grab as much as you can because you have the chance to do so. is that so wrong? the term "kiasu" that has a certain negative connotation to it should have a more positive flavour. in fact the government should do a kiasu campaign. they've done water conservation, courtesy and even smiling campaign. for a change, maybe they should do a kiasu campaign.

the way i see it, the word "kiasu" has experienced a shift of definition. i don't know about you, the next time someone calls me kiasu? i'll thank them.

buying p0rn

2007-06-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

well it felt like it at least...

anyway the other day i went to buy a local (yes that's read singaporean) young jazz singer at gramophone. well they were having a storewide sale and i figured this particular singer isn't exactly the type that is very available online. so purchasing seemed like a good idea?

there are two theories to that:
1. not worth getting yourself caught for circulating a local artiste?
2. OR people are just too embarrassed to admit they actually purchase his album :p

well when i entered the shop i quickly went to the cd rack and grabbed it. walk walk walk straight to the counter to pay hoping that the person in front of me would RUSH AND NOT TAKE HIS OWN SWEET TIME ASKING A LOT OF CRAP TO THE CASHIER!!!

when he was done i quickly gave the cd to the cashier, paid it and exit myself from the store. yes, right after the cashier gave me a one eyebrow raised look to me when she checked the cd.

halo, i was buying a cd not porn -_-" but it felt soooo much like buying porn. haha...

the grudge

2007-06-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

i consider myself to be a rather patient person (given a normal condition). i do cut a lot of slacks for people whom i feel quite close to - those i consider "friends".

so recently this particular friend has ticked me off just one too many times.

maybe the person feels guilty? i'm not sure. he should. does he? i'm not sure. but anyway, it just feels empty and bland talking. probably halfway in the middle of whatever and i'm not even paying attention much. don't get me wrong, i'm not angry or anything, just that i don't feel like there's any point talking or even responding.

i guess you find out new things about yourself. and today i learn that i'm not one who forgive easily.

strange...

visiting a friend

2007-05-14T02:30:00.000-07:00

a lifetime's not too long to live as friends

a couple of weeks back, mr. yandao and i decided to pay a visit to an old friend i haven't met for a good 8 years. although time and again i've always had this intention to go there but wasn't sure going alone would be a good idea. since the 7th of may 9 years ago was the day she left us, we decided to go on the 6th. i had a good conversation with her trying to update what has happened to my life (and common friends whom we know)

it's pretty strange as i was standing there looking at your photo half smiling half biting my lip, even until now it is still so hard to believe you have left us. 9 years ago i could not believe my ears when i heard you're in the hospital collapsed at the school field. i saw you in that morning, even joking about daily stuffs. then the next day you're gone. it was too fast it was just too fast.

i hope you still remember our present to you for your birthday, we were too cheapo to buy you anything expensive so someone came up with a "bright" idea as to record our own voices on a cassette tape. so there were we, 10 obnoxious boys yapping non stop for 1.5 hours about everything under the sun! i remember we sang "happy birthday" to you over and over coz we need to fill in the tape and there was this part that makes my heart aches everytime i remember. someone asked "hey hey what do you want to be when you grow up, anna?" then someone replied "be a pilot!" (internal joke), "be a singer!", "aiyah be anything that earns you a lot of money lah!". i also remember we taped it until very late at night we had to continue only with study lights (hostel regulation lights off!) then someone suggested "hey later YEARS from now, let's all play soccer anna, it'll be so fun!! everybody can bring their family, so crowded. so messy!" "we should play golf instead! yah, when we're all successful we should play golf!" hahaa.... those were the days. it's kind of embarrassing recalling all the memories now but it was definitely a sincere gift :)

it's ironic really. coz you, being the very promising person that you are do not get to live your dreams. the 10 obnoxious boys unfortunately are unable to keep our promises to play soccer with you, to tee off with you, to tease you about your silly looking pinefore anymore. *sigh* it's been 9 years, honestly it doesn't feel that long. i can still see the worry in everybody's eyes at the hospital, the crying of the gals at the side, the guys sitting on the floor too shocked to say anything.

we've been blessed. so very blessed to have known someone as you. we've known each other for 3 years? 4 years? seems so short though. maybe that song is right - a lifetime's not too long to live as friends? do you think?

well i just want to say that i miss you. i'm sure everybody here misses you in different ways. maybe not saying it, not showing it. we might not come to visit you that often. but trust me, we do miss you in everything we do.

anna, you're always in our prayers...

explain.

2007-05-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

my internship started last monday and so did the special term classes, these days my schedule is almost as insane as it was back in jakarta. usually i come home not wanting to see my laptop anymore and straight head to the bed to do light reading or get some sleep. it's good in a way though, it keeps my brain busy rather than thinking unnecessary things that depress myself too much

so this week i've been thinking, why is it so important to keep a certain image in front of others? we sometimes sacrifice so much things just so that the person next to you think you are such a nice person. but there are times when it's not worth explaining? maybe because the person you're talking already has a certain perspective of you and feels hesitant to alter his/her opinion? or (in my case) i'm just simply too tired.

i guess it's my bad habit, when i'm exhausted my point of indifference marginally shifts significantly. in short, i'm just too tired to explain things i feel unnecessary.

maybe some will see me as selfish. call me self centered. anything.

but i hope if they're really my friends, the least they can do is to understand me better. (but the question pops out, the least i can do is to understand them <-- chicken and egg) but you know what? my brain is just not working anymore. let them think what they want.

my very first speed dating

2007-05-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

about a month ago i went to a networking nite held by the school's club and it's alumni. other than the standard catered food and the whole politician feel during the whole event, i must say one thing that strikes me most (as being funny?) is that networking nites (or such an event) felt almost like speed dating...

what do you do during networking nites, you ask? well basically, you *ahem* network. let me explain it in a dumb and dumber way:

1. introduction - get yourself noticed!
you go up to this small group of people, practically squeeze yourself in by trying to nod your head profusely grunting "uhuh" every now and then until everybody in that circle notice you, the next step is to say "i agree with your opinion, i think...". blah blah your way into the conversation and apply every bullsh*tting technique you learn from your mba course (WHICH? there are TOO many of them! hahaa...).

2. to continue... or NOT!
now when you reach this point there are two possibilities; you enjoy the conversation (or you can BEAR the conversation) and continue with this circle OR you find them too interesting for your boring personality (sometimes the conversation requires too much brain cell -_-", hey i'm eating - i don't do eat and think at the same time excuse moi) and you move on.

3. tactful way of exiting (until it's used by too many people)
remember, it's networking nite and you wouldn't want to burn any bridges so early right? you don't go "hey, you're boring i think i'll go over to the other group now" or even hint a "i think i'll mingle with the other less loser people for a while now" those are just too crude. you go "hey, you want more drinks? i think i'll get more, you want anything?" and pray none of them want anything.

3.5 desperado move
the toilet exit - "something's wrong with my bladder tonight" and rush yourself to the gents (FREEEDOOOOM!!!!).

4. a perfect exit (take a bow)
and you leave the group (refrain yourself from screaming "yes" and doing that hand gesture that comes along with the phrase) go inside grab a drink then join another group. go back to number 1 :)

i find this whole procedure just waaaaaaaay too interesting not to mention in my blog. personally, i find that step 3 and 4 are too ingenious in a world of networking events - it's just way too smooth.

until it was done three times to you and you start taking offense.

Take The Wheel

2007-04-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

on exams stress

past few weeks have been insane; exams, projects and presentations come and go each and every day. been really tired and there is still finance management exam with its killer professor who is notorious for being super stingy with grades. my body's really tired and hopefully i can make it til next thursday, just two more exams to go

not sure who mentioned it first but somehow this song was mentioned during my light conversation with my friends just now. i've heard it quite some time ago and at that time, it didn't really have any impact whatsoever. just like any other easy listening song, it was easy on the ears but nothing much *shrugs*

just now i went to youtube to give the song a second shot... it's interesting how this song speaks to me in a strange manner. i've always known that my character failing is in trying to do too many things at one time and when everything crumbles apart i'll be complaining

this reminds me of a story back in my sunday church once *long long LOOOOONG time ago* when i was still a toddler. a child was making lego blocks of a tall building, he was so busy trying to figure out how to make the building higher, putting parts together slowly. when his father asked him if he needs any help, the boy shrugged off the offer saying that it's his own creation and he should build it on his own. the firm and tall looking building which the boy spent his hours making suddenly came tumbling down, broken into small pieces. the boy cried and asked his dad why he didn't try to do anything to stop the building from crashing down. the father answered, because you don't let me help you and take the lead...

jesus, take the wheel...

The Three Letter Word

2007-04-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

IOU

Friend: Hey, how do you say "i love you" in Indonesian?
Me: It's mmmm... we don't really say "i love you", we go "i care about you"
Friend: Ok, but how do you say it in Indonesian?
Me: Well, you know.... mmm....
Friend: Yes?
Me: mmmm... it's....
Friend: YOU have a commitment issue you know
Me: -_-"

so tell me something new.

i'm sure you've heard that everyday we learn about ourselves more and more, well today i learn that i've an issue with commitment. not that i go around telling people "hi, my name is spie_dee and i am commitment paranoid" but yeah i guess i need to resolve this problem.

OOOOR maybe i can see it the classical rather keynesian method where interference would do nothing than interrupt with the order of the world. everything will fall back to its natural level in due time.

my god, you know you're reading too much when you start seeing things in a "different light" (economics for this matter, woohee FUN! *groan*). and of coz one day i will find enlightenment that will make me able to say those three letter word in a straight face. heck, let's start now - it's mmmmm....... mmmm....... *mumble* i'll get back to you -_-"

the supposed friends

2007-04-04T22:26:00.000-07:00

it's just hard doing a conversation with some "friends". you don't get responses at all or the responses are not what you expect. am i being simplistic as wanting to get some positive response sometimes? don't really know what is wrong, can't really pin point the real problem either, if there is any. but it just gets very draining when having a conversation is so hard.

there are times when i question that, if friends are supposed to make you happy, welcomed and accepted, why are there those times when you feel that they don't understand you or not even making an effort in that friendship. strange.

it just gets tiring when a friendship is one way. you feel that you're giving too much and don't get anything in return. but that triggers a question - who asked you to.

no one.

no one actually did, didn't it? so why am i pushing my way through and forcing it? maybe i'm just tired and i need to get some rest. i don't know. but i know that i'm really mentally exhausted with how things are going on, one or two times i guess i can shrug it off but i think it's been a few times too many. i guess i need time to sigh and exhale for a while.

lost in words

2007-03-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

this is insane, it's been 3 weeks since i have written an entry in my blog. it's not that there isn't anything eventful these days, in fact there are so many things going on at the same time i haven't got the time to put them into words. first exam is coming this saturday *eeekk* i hope i'll be able to maintain my previous CAP, i'm not even thinking of getting anything better. come on, a lil' reality here...

"Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need."

a friend was telling me about this quote from the tv series grey's anatomy. although i haven't got the time to watch the show, i've decided to nevertheless write it here. don't you think it's so true?

sometimes we hope that people understand how we feel and what we need, we ASSUME so many things and when things don't happen as expected we become so disappointed with those people. during those times i guess what we need to do is just say it. we refrain most of the times. *well i do* how many times have you contemplated and think "hey, he/she should know better!"? we expect others to read between the lines and understand. *sigh*

it's ironic isn't it. words is a mean of communication to express what we think or feel but there are so many times when the meaning gets lost in the words we try to say. and there are times when we hope we can take back the things we have just said. maybe we should observe the little human and see what we can learn from them...

if you see the "anus" *

2007-03-01T18:09:00.000-08:00

poke for it!

i'm running for the post of Director of Finance and Administration for the NUS MBA club (student council probably?), ahem strike out the fluffy and sugar coated name, read the job desc and what you get is basically secretary + treasurer :D

i think of it as a rare chance because a friend called me to give an advise or two about the benefits of holding a post in the club. it's quite strange i must say because i have always thought of contributing my part for the school? somehow it sounds so corny huh? *shruggs* i meant what i said period.

seems like no one is running for the position looking at the job desc which basically lists meticulous and tedious jobs that no one wants to handle. i suppose most people are more interested in doing something that is visible, *almost* tangible and recognizable by others. geeky jobs like this *< -- or so i would like to believe* in a weird manner kind of entice me. harlow, remember my previous job? when people were complaining how boring it was, i kept quiet thinking inside that it wasn't that bad actually :p

but the interesting part started when i was talking with my friend ms tinyripples yesterday. told her that for the past few days i've been consciously telling myself to be nice to people. not really to win their votes; more not to look bad and get an evil eye in the podium during the debate actually *har har*

me : "yeah at least til the election is over"
tr : "are you serious?"
me :""yes"
tr :"o my god, you're such a politician"

can you believe i said that? freudian slip at its best. honestly i couldn't believe i said that either. hmmm i suppose i should try to change this mentality, it's just not right. 'hypocritical' is the word. if i ever want to change and be a better person at school it should be because i'm actually to represent the students in a more general manner. i feel to do so i would like to be a more wholesome person without diluting my own personality in the process of coz.

just a thought that cross my mind; i hope i don't lose her vote mmm.... hahaa... just kidding :D

* ps: blog keeper's name has to do with some biological organ of the human species and animal in general fyi

happy chinese new year folks!

2007-02-27T10:22:00.000-08:00

to celebrate the Chinese New Year i shall feature my friend's blog which is written by this year's zodiac himself *OIINNKK!!* - alex heng. although he is skinny as a pole, trust me he is one big gigantic pig inside *nasty too!!!* haha...

click on alex's (ahem) i mean the pig's picture for a good time :D

reflection in the summer rain

2007-02-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

today for the first time since the holidays i went to school... and in the midst of the hot afternoon, it started raining... walking alone waiting for the rain to subside, i took a picture of the summer rain *although the rain can't really be seen in the pix :p* can't help thinking of what i was discussing with my friend the other day...

he believes that friends should call each other only when there is a need. you know, i think that is sad... sad because i feel that is true for most people? give it a thought of two; when's the last time you talk to your old friends just to ask them "how are you?" or maybe just a line of "how's life?". these two lines have gone somewhat obsolete... when you say these two, it went as being stale. uninspiring. and the worst of all - fake.

but is it so fake to want to know how your friends are doing in their life? is it so wrong to just drop a note telling them how your day went? is it so lame to just nudge and wave?

A: what's up?
B: nothing really... just... me?

sometimes we brush these kind of comments with a quick raised eyebrow and an even quicker ignorance towards the person we're talking to...

try seeing behind the lines. sometimes a single "how are you" can mean a lot. but then again who am i to say all this, it's nothing really... it's just... me... hmmm...

understanding

2007-02-21T23:41:00.000-08:00

is a big misunderstanding

day in day out i always want people to understand me; well at least my friends? think like me? be in my shoes once a while? try walking my path? but today in my room i realize that sometimes if you want to be understood, try understanding others first. we concentrate so much in getting people to view things from our spectacle that we have become blind against their point of view at the first place.

"you're not the unluckiest person on earth... (there must be some good in you to get it this far?)"
"you have a knack in not believing in yourself"

just some quotes i heard from my friends this couple of months... mmm... to be honest it got me pondering about those statements. all these while i'm always torn since i feel that people don't understand me or rather, they misunderstand me but i guess sometimes hard as it is we have to refrain from pushing our piece of mind to other. probably the best way to get our slice of understanding is to try to understand others first? put your feet in their shoes?

the world is cold... everybody is trying to get everybody's (somebody's? anybody's?) sympathy one way or another. you know what i hope? i hope i can be someone who is able to provide comfort, someone to talk to or even just an ear to listen probably? thinking back i guess there is some truth in what my friend said, "everybody is experiencing the same thing". we all probably do but we have to walk on. don't concentrate on your feet all the time with the pebbles underneath but look in front, don't take your eyes off your goal and you'll be fine... *don't worry, i'm by your side... mmmm...*

left standing alone with the falling sun

2007-02-20T11:26:00.000-08:00

in life i think i'm just gliding along trying not to step on people's foot but i think for the past few days i've been really touchy with comments made by others regarding myself. those things i easily brushed off seem so hurtful to actually hear; especially coming out from your good friends. it's a holiday; time for a break from everything, period where you exhale and think back what you have done for the past mid semester. probably ponder what you want to change for the rest of the semester too i suppose. *study for the exam too maybe? well, that's a given*

was doing random clicking on the net when i found this picture *courtesy of desmondwyson, thanks :)*; i thought it was really nice and poignant. it has a line saying "left standing alone with the falling sun". i think it's an irony *much like my life?* you're so engrossed with something and when it leaves/ disappoints, you feel a pang of emptiness inside. but you're missing something, something much greater than what just left. you've always taken it for granted, thinking that it's always been there and it will always be there. but reality gets the upper hand; the sun is falling.

maybe what we should do in life is get a bigger picture; a wider perspective; a larger macroscopic spectacle to view our lives. see what is important and those that are temporary. i know it's hard to find the time to just breathe and look back what we have done so far but sometimes it is more necessary than needed.

it's the holiday; let's take the time to exhale and reflect.

changing weather by the minute

2007-02-16T23:49:00.000-08:00

just like my mood...

i must say today is quite a strange day; a question pops up in my head, "am i annoying?" stupid question isn't it? i'm also almost ashamed to actually ask it out loud. but there are quite a series of incidents that make me think twice about people's perception of myself.

maybe it is better not to have me around? or probably just keep my mouth shut? revert back to my old self who was very confined and unexpressive? it's probably me being overly sensitive *sigh*

what a wrong way to end such a beautiful day *and start a new year* let me just give that question a thought or two, maybe there's a certain truth in it. mmmm...

moody

2007-02-12T21:55:00.000-08:00

the question of self worth

the other day a friend told me that my blog is getting more "cheem" and she doesn't understand what it is about anymore. maybe it's bcoz it's so gloomy and depressed most of the time now? well to be honest, i prefer writing those happy thoughts too but the fact is that i'm feeling very uncertain nowadays.

i quite surprised that my friends still can keep up with my mood; going up and down the scale so fast within a few minutes. i hope i can be more stable emotionally or at least be a better friend but truth be told, again, i don't know where i'm standing.

i suppose it has to do with self confidence. it's not only the quiz result that was given out by the lecturer today; it was probably a mere catalyst? thinking back for the past few days i realize that... maybe i'm not as competent as i thought i am. need to do some self reflection, not that i have that much time to spare though...

i hope i can survive til chinese new year hols... i hope my friends can too *sigh*

a dose of reality

2007-02-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

today again i realized that time does not wait for anyone, it keeps rolling on tumbling down... sometimes you hear it knocking on the door but ignore it totally, choosing to delve in the self delusion that time might freeze and everything will stay this way.

after awhile it will come to you that it's actually reality standing there to remind you to start walking again. so walk on. it's not a question, it's a statement. walk on.

you know sometimes i feel that in our lives we should not have any strong attachments with anything; wealth, friends and family (?). we are so engrossed with what we feel is ours that we did not realize that it isn't ours at the first place.

think of your wealth for example. you are so busy collecting money, saving every single penny and working your way in the career ladder but at the end of the day, do you realize that it isn't yours at the first place? it's of Someone of a higher ground *if you know what i mean* let's not get religious now.

wat about your friends? i feel that i'm so dependent on them that when they move on with their lives later, i'll probably feel stranded. maybe when this whole mba is over i should get a job that takes most of my time that i'll be so busy that i don't have much time to think much about these things *been there, done that*. i always feel that's the reason why i was so workaholic back in jakarta. well the money didn't hurt either.

family? i don't even want to start with my family. let's move on.

i hope the wheel of time can freeze for me, i'm kind of enjoying my life now. in fact my friend asked me the other day; scale of 1-10, how happy am i. i answered her 8.5 probably. you know the better it is, the harder you are to walk on. but when you don't walk on, you might not know maybe in front there is a 9 or even a 9.5 *mmmm i don't see a life so perfect it can hit a 10, i'll get back to you if i do* talk is cheap, i still feel that 8.5 ain't too shabby, it's still rather hard to get my feet on the ground and start moving... *but hey don't blame me, i'm EXTREMELY risk averse* mmmm... maybe i'll just ponder through the night mmm...

birthday present

2007-02-05T17:33:00.000-08:00

this morning i feel so fresh! i woke up with almost a "the-hiiiiiills-arrrrr-alivvvvve" kind of enthusiasm *har har*. basically i was so tired studying throughout sunday *read my o-so-lame way i celebrated d-day this year* that i fell asleep at about 10.30 and woke up at 7. must be my most refreshing morning since years :)

i happily took the time to hit the shower *see, i didn't use the word "bathe", a friend told me it sounds very girly? eh?* and cook myself a bowl of indomie goreng (<-- ps. my jaw literally dropped when i found out there's an entry for this in wikipedia). basically it was close to a perfect morning. i figured maybe this is my belated birthday present :) it makes me realize that in the hectic world of our daily lives, it is important to exhale and take some time to rest. we're no robots after all *although i bet our bosses/ lecturers might feel otherwise*

*ahem* it will be a perfect morning if i didn't have to dash to my 9 o'clock class and was STILL 15 minutes late. aaaaah, just the right dose of reality :D puuurfect just puuuurfect...

from your kreepy krawlie spie_dee

2007-02-03T17:16:00.000-08:00

you know along the way you meet friends, those people whom you are most comfortable and do not hesitate to act silly or sheer stupid. basically being yourself :p sometimes looking back, i can recall quite a few names that have changed my life at one point or another although unfortunately some i have lost contact with. in my opinion these people are the ones who make life is worth living.

thanks friends, you know who you all are :)

spie_dee

the night before birthday

2007-02-03T11:20:00.000-08:00

it's quite strange to actually spend another birthday in singapore, far away from home. i don't know if i should be happy or sad? on one hand i got what i wished for last year, which was to do my masters in singapore but on the other hand it can get pretty lonely in here. let's not even mention the inconsiderate lecturer who decides to give a test on monday. "so?" you say? that means i'm stuck at home!!! *bish bish bish* well it's between self indulgence and guilt, the way i see it guilt will win and i'll be stuck at home mugging on my birthday. *roll eyes*

it's quite strange how my life has so many twists and turns; some happy and proud incidents while some others are not even worth mentioning here. but looking back on my life i must say that every blister was necessary, every wound was important in making me the way i am today. i can even almost say *gasp* that i am quite proud to see where i am at the moment.

the future is in the hands on the person itself. at a recent leadership class we were supposed to write a personal life mission and values on paper. despite the big hooha and hissy fit some people threw, i must say it was quite an eye opener. of coz it was uncomfortable letting others to read your supposed future but i can't say that it's all bad, sometimes we don't really know what we want. we just live our lives day in day out without any intention or specific goal. maybe with forcing us to write it down, we are obligated to think of where we want to be in 5, 10, 15 years time.

another year has passed; did i live my life meaningfully, did i hurt anyone, did i touch anyone's lives, did i change anyone, did i make enemies, did i make friends, was i a good friend, did i learn enough, so many questions in my head tonight. (sigh i miss my car, if i was in jakarta i would've taken her for a night drive with my favorite cd playing in the background) if i have to die will i regret my 26 years of life?

it's a birthday, let's not be too morbid tonight

forgive my less enthusiastic self but i guess i'm just happy that i get to live another year :)

*ahem* by the way, do i celebrate it at 12.00 singapore time or should it be 12.00 indonesian time (which means 01.00)? hmmmm..... :D

on morbid thought

2007-01-28T01:01:00.000-08:00

there is competition and there is competition... mmm...

a few days back i was quite surprised the mood of everyone is so choatic. people were getting mad at this particular professor who decided to break up the already made group for class projects. some did parts of it halfway through and there are a few who weren't elated to say the least about their new member(s?). then there was also this news about this supposedly mediocre classmate who was asked for an interview by a well known bank which caused a big hoohaa.

competitiveness.

you can almost feel how thick the air that day. i never like the whole "if he can do it, i'm sure i can do it better" aura. i'm not denying i have a competitive side on me too; which is why i don't play monopoly and chess :D but i try to keep it low i guess. pure positive competition would help you to grow but if you grow just on the competition alone, i think it will lead to an unhealthy competition.

i still remember maybe about a decade back when i asked myself what i want to be in the future. at the time i thought to myself that i wanted to be like my uncle who was working in the bank; he was not particularly wealthy but his family was well supported with the needed facilities *notice "needed" not "wanted"* so basically i just want to be an average joe+. it's not that i want all the wealth in the world, to be the best in everything but as long as i can live my life comfortably i'm satisfied.

i think we should learn how to live our life for ourselves. we want to be the best not by anybody's standard but ourselves. we should even want to work our hardest for ourselves and not on the intention to surpass anybody else. a tinge of competition might spice our life a little bit but let's not make the competition the main course by itself. we'll never be pleased that way.

it's sad to think how the society has taught us to gauge ourselves with others; practically everyone around us. think about it? even at school the marking is done with a normal curve. so there is no such thing that everybody is just as good or even categorazisation as excellent and good. it will always end up as excellent, good, mediocre and not good enough. if you do a 90% and the rest of the class does 98% that means you are not good... i find that absurd... and pathetic at the same time.

in life there may be competition but let's not make competition our life...

morbid thoughts

2007-01-27T23:50:00.000-08:00

24th January 2007

you're running but no one's cheering you on
what for?
don't seem to have any point
no pt
yeah maybe that's it
no point
life has no point
the mba has no point
we have no point
i have no point
there is never a point
there never was
a point
.
depressing
maybe this is where the difference between the creme of the crop and the mainstream
just another joe
but is it wrong to be just another joe

サンキュー！！

2007-01-22T20:38:00.000-08:00

Thank You - Homemade Kazoku (Bleach 2nd Ending)

*refrain:

Itsumo sasaete kureru hitotachi ni
To all the people who have supported me..

Higorono omoi wo kometa rhapsody...
This heartfelt rhapsody goes out to you

Appreciation no kimochi wo todoke
To send you my feelings of appreciation

Itsumo arigato, honto arigato
Thank you...I really thank you

Tatoe doko ni itatte kimi no sonzai ni
Wherever you may be,

Kansha shiteru yo
I'm grateful for you

Tasogare no machi ga akaku somaru koro
When the town was dyed red with twilight,

Nanigenaku michi wo aruiteita
I found myself casually strolling the streets

Ikikau hitono mure ga masu gogo,
As evening comes, more people come and go,

Nantonaku tachidomatte mita
And I stopped for a moment

Potsuri to aita kokoro no sukima
My cell phone went off, as though to fill

Umeruyou ni ugoita keitai no manner
This gap that opened up in my heart

Kimi wa hitori ja nai, hora mina
You are not alone, for you see

Tagai ni sasae atteku no sa...
We all will support one another...

One day now

Mirai ga kowakute
When I was feeling troubled,

Nayandeita boku ni mukatte
And frightened of the future

Nanimo yuwazu ni sotto
You were there, though you said nothing

Te wo sashinobete kureru kimi ga ita
You softly reached out your hand to me

Kanashimi ga hanbun ni natta
My sadness diminished to one-half

Yorokobi wa nibai ni fukuranda
My happiness swelled twice over

Gyaku no tachiba ni nattara
If our places were reversed,

Sugusama soba made ni kaketsukeru to chikatta
I promise that I will come rushing to your side

Far away, far away tooku hanarete itemo
Far away, far away, no matter how far you are

Nagareru toki no nakade
Within the time that flows by

Tomo ni sugoshita hibi no kioku wa
The memories of the times we spent together

Kesshite kieru koto wa naino sa
Will never ever disappear

Nakama ya, kazoku ya koibito
To my friends, and family, and girlfriend

Soshite deatta subete no hitobito
And all the people I've come to know

Arigato...mina no okage de
Thank you...because of you

Mata chikarazuyoku fumidaseru
I can step out with confidence

Hito wa daremo hitoridewa ikite ikeyashinai
Nobody can go on living just on their own

Tagai ga tagai wo itsumo care shiai
We each take care of one another

Rikai dekinai toki wa hanashiai
And talk it over when we misunderstand each other

Hara kakaeru gurai warai ai tai
I wanna throw my head back and laugh together

Nanoni naze kou toki ni kenashiai
And yet why do we sometimes insult each other

Kizu tsukiau no teki ga shinai
And hurt one another

Baka baka shii hodo kimi ga sukida
I love you so much it's almost silly

Terekusai kedo chotto honki da
It's a little embarrassing, but I really mean it

Kitto mina igai to shy de
Maybe everyone's unusually shy

Men to mukatte naka naka
And face-to-face, it's so hard

Kuchi ni dashite inaku te
To say anything

Dakedo hontou wa iitai kuse ni
You actually wanna say something

Nanika ga jamashite mina tsuyogatte
But something gets in the way, and you play it off

Tokini wa sarake dashite tsutaeyou
On occasion we should let it all out

Kotoba niwa fushigi na chikara ga yadoruyo
For in words there resides a strange power

Kantan na kotosa, jubun kara mazu hajimeyou
It's so easy, I'll start it off

Kitto dekiru yo
We can do it

I will be there

Just forever

Kimi ga itekureta youni

Just like you were there for me

a letter of apology

2007-01-18T00:17:00.000-08:00

heard of the song "sorry seems to be the hardest word" before? sorry *pun intended* but i don't think i feel the same sentiment with the song. it is probably one of the most abused words actually in my opinion. we tend to say sorry even when we do not mean it, it is just a word to close the lid. there was an incident last week which i triger me in writing this entry, a friend easily said the s word after doing something i consider quite selfish. well the incident itself was pretty minor i think but what surprises me was the way he said it. don't get me wrong, it's not that i was hoping that he dropped on his knees and start imploring for an apology but won't it be better not to say it at all?

this is a reasonably subjective topic, differs for every individuals i suppose. there are some who will demand a somewhat apology and when not fulfilled would go into the whole "didn't even have the courtesy to apologize" but seriously, why do it if you don't mean it. actually i am also guilty at charged i say that alot every time i'm late *which ahem... can be quite often* does that "sorry" mean "i feel bad about it and won't let it happen again the next time around" or is it a "yikez, don't get mad at me, i'll TRY my best the next time around maybe?"

but then again i have this other incident where my friend was supposed to come and help me with some paper formalities. he promised me long way before that he'd give a hand and this is quite an important matter although not much on his part apparently. during the day my friend didn't come nor inform me about it, when i tried calling his mobile phone it wasn't answered. i must say i was pretty annoyed with my friend whom i considered quite irresponsible but actually we have known each other for more than a decade so these kind of things can be resolved with just a word of "sorry". knowing him, i think he feels guilty about it and to avoid conflict he decides not to confront me about it. it's quite a pity if you ask me about the friendship.

maybe as i conclude the insincere apologies are easy to say but the much needed ones are somewhat a mouthful to say. how ironic. let's try to position ourselves better and think if we do need to say the word. if we do, let's not hesitate to come up and elaborate our situation but if we don't, then let's refrain from saying it at all. the song should be "sorry seems to be the hardest word sometimes" but it kind of lose it's catchy title doesn't it. sor.. *ahem* i mean that's interesting :D har har..

at the end of the day it's just cornflakes....

2007-01-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

-- adam sandler in "click"

that line is a quote from one of the dozens of movies i watched during the semester holidays. well to be honest i won't really rave about "click" but there are some parts of the movies that make you think twice and reflect on your life in general. thus, the verdict --> me like.

it's quite strange how this movie speaks to me because all these while i've been chasing this so-called-"success" in life. but what IS "success"? is it wealth? is it prestige? respect maybe? balance in life? i guess the movie tries to explain that the sweet of success is not the end result, but rather it is the process because at the end of the day, it's just cereal... ain't that true.

for those who have not watched, the analogy they used mentioned about a cereal advertisement with a leprechaun chasing after a pot of gold(en cornflakes) at the end of the rainbow.

the more interesting part is that this particular movie somehow coincidentally corelates with the church sermon i attended last sunday. when people born in the 80s and above asked what is their vision in life they do not answer they want to be an architect, not even a doctor which was supposed to be popular? they just want to be rich. i quietly answered similarly by the way. ouch.

the pastor later explained that it is the society and especially the parents who constantly keep on reminding their children that they should study hard for a better life, so that they can buy things they want to, so that they can be rich. people just want a shortcut, something simple, something easy but unfortunately sometimes it is beyond reach. why? because when you are chasing after the ultimate (whatever it is) there will be someone who is better than you, you will be disappointed and never satisfied. and when you have reached the ultimate *if you ever* with a shortcut you question the meaning of it all. they're just cornflakes ain't it?

i suddenly feel the urge to spend more time with my family, been spending way too much time with the books and my friends. only have two days in jakarta before i leave for my second semester, i guess i have to work on that. think about all the things your family have done for you (parents especially?), things they have sacrificed for you. i guess my family does provide. if you're thinking in economy terms, read again the title of the post. it is L.O.V.E. :)

o gawd, i'm so mushy today argh... happy new year btw.

big hair do's and dont's

2006-12-22T00:01:00.000-08:00

what's with those big and "funky" coloured hair???

no don't worry this is not going to be an essay about the thinning ozone layer due to the obscene amount of hairspray used daily by those women with BIG *and i mean BIIIIIGGGG* hair. if you walk around orchard road's shopping malls and happen to see a lady with voluminous hair clutching a designer bag, you just spot a typical indonesian tai tai. it is interesting really because i can't grasp their logic of spending hours *do they take hours? or have they achieved the efficient learning curve and thus can do it within minutes.. whoa..* to do their hair. does it symbolize their wealth? the bigger it is the richer they are? STRANGE....

but hold your horses people, before you think of laughing at those respectable ladies *come ON, you've gotta give them some credit. they spend more than a full TWO AND A HALF DAYS accumulatively per month assuming they take 2 hours daily to do their hair. WHOAAAA* don't you think everybody is turning superficial nowadays? people purchase things because they feel others will find it "cool" and thus they are of a certain social status. odd eh?

i'm not saying i'm a saint here either, to give it some thought probably i have "the biggest hair" *frown* it just seems wrong when people hide behind a facade just to be accepted. each individual is probably like a piece of jigsaw puzzle but sometimes we would like to think that we belong to a bigger puzzle picture. sometimes it's good because you aspire to be a better person that way? but don't let this aspiration change who you are. acceptance from people is hard, but it is harder to accept yourself the way you are. mmm... maybe we have to start from within *shucks that sounds sooooo OLD*

walk on

2006-12-15T00:17:00.000-08:00

"on changes and uncertainties..."

so during this one month holiday i decided to go back to jakarta, hopefully recharge the battery a little bit after the grueling four months. it feels almost mmm weird? to sort of continue on what was left behind a quarter of year ago. i guess four months isn't that long of a period and nothing much has changed. my friends are still rowdy and quirky as ever, my house and room are still as cozy as always and even my former office mates are still warm and welcoming. i won't lie to you, it did conjure a what if i didn't leave images and thoughts :) but i suppose it's more like walking on the beach; you turn back and see your footprints are still there. you can vividly remember how you made each step but... you walk on.

i wonder if this will stay after a year, two years, five years, a decade? it worries me that my friends will have other friends to share their problems with, my house and room might not be as comfy (gawd, i hope not!) and my former office mates might have other jobs elsewhere *hopefully better?*. but i guess that's life? you can't keep the life you owned without having YOU in the picture. you change - naturally they will too.

do you realize that we change from time to time? we evolve as per our condition and surrounding we live in; maybe not in a too short period of time but give it some time and you'll realize that you're slowly shifting. maturing? maybe...

the thought of change is definitely scary. everything uncertain usually worries us don't you think? but you know something? you walk on. turn back, the prints might not be as clear as time passes by *providing they are still there at the first place* but honestly it's not the imprints on the sand that matters most... it's the ones in your heart. so... walk on, run if you will. don't fret for the changes, fear not the uncertainties. it's all a jigsaw puzzle, everything will fall into their places in mean time...

have a great holidays :)

midnight reflection

2006-11-30T00:04:00.000-08:00

liberated...

i just finished my fourth exam of the semester; four down one more to go - tomorrow. today's accounting exam was interestingly liberating. it's not that i could do the paper so well that i feel extremely good, it was definitely not the free red bull given out at the campus either *haha..* on the contrary, i don't think i did that paper justice? maybe i realized that the campus incentive is now almost out of reach? i'm not sure. it just feels strangely calming now. feels almost like i am comfortable being myself so much. something that i haven't felt for so long.

since the day i arrived in singapore, i told myself that i have to ace this course and prove myself that i can do it. it became quite a burden after a while and i started comparing myself with others. but just now as i sat in the bus, i couldn't help myself smiling away. it's so strange; i don't see the point of comparing with others so much. of course to a certain extent it is good to have a somewhat leverage and make sure you're not doing below your own standard.

but life isn't only about comparison. you might be horrible at one area, not so good at another but you're not that bad at other things and probably fantastic somewhere else? well unfortunately i don't think i'm fantastic on anything i can think of? well nothing useful anyways :D does it matter?

reading my previous blogs, it surprises me how down and dejected i sounded but tonight i just want to shrug it off and walk with a smile. live life to the fullest - carpe diem doesn't mean you excels yourself to somebody else's limit, it's about living your life the way you like it and not disappoint YOURSELF in the process. i'm not saying we should just sit around do nothing and be a couch potato; just do things for yourself, do things because you want to, study things you deem necessary, go places where you can enjoy youself, be friends with people you fit in - just enjoy your life, you only have one life definitely not a repetitive game *har har... stupid eco joke, search for nash theory those who don't get it*

so today i realize that i am just spie_dee; a kreepy crawlie trying to be walk my path in this journey. yes i must say that i am not as intelligent as cg, not as hard working as ir, not as friendly and fun loving as ev or even as jovial as cu and not as successful as wl either *the money he makes.. ahem made... whoaa.. ahaha* in fact i'm clumsy, ugly *monkey looking as cg puts it, ergh*, sloooooow sometimes, stubborn, quirky, gets nervous sooo much doing presentations, horrible in exams, talks waaaaay too much, worry sooo much *reminds me of telly in sesame street sometimes haha..*, insensitive too at times. but hey, i'm just me :) not sure if my friends are really my friends or they're just stuck for the moment before they find better friends but let me be just me. let's not think too much :) i have my friends, am grateful they're there when i need them NOW and am even more grateful if they feel the same.

i'm not saying that the next day everything will change; i'll probably still get jitters during the results day, feel disappointed, happy? who knows. there'd probably more 'down' or 'dejected' entries ahead but today? today i just wanna enjoy - enjoy myself *shruggs* and study of coz there's still one more to go. i'll do my best definitely do my best coz i don't want to disappoint... myself :)

"feel like I'm two steps behind "

2006-11-27T20:48:00.000-08:00

sometimes it's hard to accept that we are not as fast, as smart, as good looking, or as perfect as others but i guess during those times you just have to keep on trying and hopefully one day your time will come...

Everything in its time (Corrinne May)

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

indeed "everything in its time"... i think i should start frequenting the church again hmmm.... anyone?

captain's log on 25th nov'06

2006-11-25T11:20:00.000-08:00

on my so-called-life in singapore so far

*phew* it's been almost two weeks since i last blog, past few weeks have been INSANE! it's literally a hurdle of one project after another and when the projects are over, the EXAMS are queueing. it's interesting to see that my life these days is becoming like one of those nerdy people who don't have much time to socialize outside their daily scope of friends. used to think those people are miserable! fact is - i confirm my statement: WE are miserable! :D

but honestly speaking so far the journey in singapore's been full of ups and down, more than i expected. i found that sitting doing nothing in your room is a leisure i don't enjoy everyday. used to encourage mr lumos to go socialize, meet friends and such but NOW fact is sometimes i just feel like lazing around my bed doing nothing. read some books (those without the word "text" infront of coz), play some computer games, listen to light music, drink a cuppa' watever warm and just enjoy the sight of rain from my room.

it's been raining alot these days btw, feels alot like christmas hmmm.... *smile* my favourite holiday of the year.

i suppose this whole mba course is like a battle of wits and will. correction: a battle of WILL and then later wits. you must have one big DETERMINATION *in capital AND bold* to complete the whole course i guess, and it helps too if you tip over to the not-so-sloooow side. look at it this way, how do you finish 13 chapters of a book *that is practically 600+pages* in 4 days? and i'm not talking about procrastination here, the time alotted was just not enough *think projectS* but we did it. well we DID the exam, not too sure about the result though *cripez*

two down, three more to go, i hope i can survive the week. exams bring people close together, it's true. kind of the people in that movie "deep impact" *THE other 'armageddon' movie which was shown about the same time? the one with no bruce willis and liv tyler in it -_-"* when the end is near, people draws near to each other :D this IS hyperbolic then... watever, i'm exam high, so shoot me. we'll survive this exams i guess, and have a blast! at least til the result is out: 27th december'06. ARGH! make sure you stuff yourself to death on the 25th, might be your 'last supper'.

ps: does 风水 involve numerology? the one million bucks question... :)

a moment of insecurity

2006-11-13T02:40:00.000-08:00

reflection at 02.40 am...

you know i've been through many ups and downs in my 26 years of living, so many things happened in the past *too many? hmmm* in a way, it is quite strange how i sometimes value my friends so much more than my family? maybe it's called "cohort" and how people of similar generation would be able to understand each other more? not too sure about that, but tonight a thought keeps me awake for hours.

i always tell my friends that i'd probably get married when i'm 30+ and they'd all probably with children by then :) but you know what? the thought of being alone kind of scares me? well probably not "scare" *that's such a strong word to use*, maybe more "make me uneasy"? so far i always have my friends beside me; to go out when i'm bored, to exchange thoughts when i'm not sure about certain things or sometimes even just some people to joke with. will they stay the same when they have commitments? hmmm...

i tried talking to a friend previously about this but being the confident person that she is, she claimed that nothing will change. apparently... i don't think so. a slightly naive response if you ask me. maybe friends are just people who accompany you until you find that 'significant other' then you say 'adieu, thanks for accompanying me, hope you find yours soon too. heck, it was fun!' well is it wrong to think that way? in a bittersweet manner, i think it does bear a certain truth in it don't you think?

*sigh* who knows? maybe i'll be the one who bids all of you farewell first? *shruggs* i hope i can freeze the moment, where everybody is happy and everyone's my friends. anyways, thanks for keeping me company for 26 years. sorry you guys have to be stuck with me for a few more years i guess.

kenneth arrow team

2006-11-10T08:31:00.000-08:00

"kena" arrow? naaah, we dodged it! :D

last week we were REALLY screwed, we had two presentations to do and found out that there's a third one coming in three days time. well we were quite sure it was for the week after and finally found out that we had to rush it as soon as possible!

the lesson learnt is that if we do it calmly with a great degree of committment it will show during the presentation. maybe that is what is lacking in most of our previous presentations? the passion to do it? although we were running late and tired as hell we forced ourselves to do shameless *roll EYES!* field surveys the whole night.

not sure what happened during the presentation but everything went REALLY well; the crowd was responsive, we weren't nervous, the questions asked were replied appropriately and the team dynamics were fantastic! apparently when we presented our case, the prof liked it so much that he asked us to send our ppt file to him and replied with the comment below:

i must say that is such a morale booster... suddenly i feel the urge to study eco! haha.. if only he grades our exams the same way *dream on, fyi the mean for the mid-terms was 51... eeerrrggghhh*

do you feel 'homey' in singapore?

2006-11-08T11:30:00.000-08:00

had a relatively long chat with my friend ocg yesterday regarding how we are coping with life in singapore and how different it is with our previous life back in our home countries. then there was this really interesting part when he asked me "do you feel homey in sg?"

*sigh* do you feel 'homey' anywhere? i think 'home' is a feeling that you get when you feel accepted. of course you will feel more at home when you are with your family, that is natural but other than that - do you feel homey anywhere else? do friends give you that kind of comfort, the same no holds barred feeling you get with your family? sadly i must say none of my friends have given me any of those, nor am i expecting them to provide me with such feeling either. i'll probably end up getting hurt expecting too much from my friends.

but i think home is where you want to be. right now it's probably what's the best i can make with this situation. i'm just too glad to have friends whom i can spend my time with. share most of my feelings and trouble; hopefully they feel the same about me too i guess. let's just 'enjoy' this ride and see where this vessel called the mba programme takes us.

to be contented is a bliss

2006-10-30T10:48:00.000-08:00

something that i need to be reminded from time to time...

the idea is so foreign to me that it does not make sense to a certain extent... lemme try and take it step by step though *sigh* self content is within oneself and to be contented is a bliss.

today i feel blue

2006-10-29T23:31:00.000-08:00

it's so strange... i miss my honda jazz *sigh* in a day like this i would take her driving to god-knows-where with some soft music playing in the background.. sometimes i feel i think too much, just way too much. and sometimes i feel blue for no reason. probably just the feeling of loneliness that is chilling... *smile*

in a day like this i just want to walk, walk to wherever my feet take me... it'll be nice to have a friend to talk to *shruggs* *off the phone* or maybe not...

maybe it's the talk about relationship *and of coz inevitably the lack of it*, or was it the mockery that i'm not the typical every guy who loves soccer and/ or basketball *i don't think it's the latter, i'm so over it long time ago mmm*, or maybe the hectic weekend, or probably just the weather?

i suppose it's everything into one. aaah and there is that expectation part too.

can i just sleep all of them away? if only. it's not drizzling anymore though.. should i go take a walk? hmm...

the rule of the game

2006-10-29T13:43:00.000-08:00

"if an individula lacks self-esteem and questions his self-worth, he is more likely to absorb a leader's direction rather than establish his own way of leading or thinking"
- organizational behaviour by robbins, stephen p and judge, timothy

if you ask me that line is one generalizing statement that basically separate the blacks and the whites. basically it says if you want to slip into an effective charismatic leader shoes, you have to be one pompous self loving individual who never questions one's ability. but then again it's probably me taking personal offence on this particular textbook :D

yes i still do questions my ability every now and then. a close friend who knows me for less than 4 months pointed to me that i lack self-esteem sometimes despite my apperance. but do you think it's wrong to pause and think twice before you implement anything?

there was this analogy of a sprinter though. the winner never looks back, left and right or even questions anything. he just runs. are we supposed to do that? just do whatever you have to do without thinking much or without any doubt.

but a counter of that analogy is... do we always have to be a winner? the world and it's society are such mean couple to begin with. the concept of being the most successful, the brightest, the one who's earning the most is the basic rule the game. is that our supposed ultimate goal in life? to be the most *.*? somehow i'm not convinced.

mmm no to time to think now, have to go back to the books now. isn't it ironic, don't you think? hmm hmmm...

to put it on perspective

2006-10-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

my friends and i went to malacca last sunday and it was definitely one memorable holiday; not because of the yummilicious chicken rice ball, not the picturesque historical places and not even the cheap items you can get :) it's probably because some of us missed the bus going back to singapore :p

so the story went that it was an hour before the time the bus schedule and the first batch of group caught a cab (the terminal is just a 20 minutes ride or less), there were 8 of us so we had to take 2 cabs. but somehow after waiting for a while we couldn't see any cabs (are they breaking fast? maybe) so after asking the public bus driver, we hopped on the bus. the twist is that the bus went to one big round to residential places pretty far off the city only after that made a loop and went to the bus terminal! so to the cut the story short, we wasted 30 minutes and in the end missed the bus home to singapore.

the interesting part was that none of us really panicked that much, in fact we DID enjoy the "city tour". you know that's quite an improvement for ME, i would've freaked out in normal situation but on that day i realized that being calm and just enjoying the ride is the best option. interesting don't you think? maybe that's how i should view life in general; just do my best and look at the bright side of life, not forgetting to enjoy the "ride". the most important thing is probably just trying our best and if things don't turn out our way then wait for a chance to strike with all your might. this will definitely need time practicing and getting used too though :p

in the end we luckily *notice i use the word "luckily" :)* managed to get the last bus to singapore an hour later than the original schedule.

as i was sitting in the bus looking at the drizzle i smiled- it was a good day indeed.

still alone

2006-10-24T23:28:00.000-07:00

so i chatted today with a university friend i haven't talked for quite some time. he asked me why i was so close to this girl but nothing ever happened between us. sparks seemed to fly, everything went well but in the end... there was nothing to be said. he asked me if i had feelings for her? tough question. did i have feelings for her? yes? no? maybe? it did cross my mind to be more than friends at one point of time but the mind was stronger than the feelings i guess. it was rather impossible to initiate anything at that time.

sometimes i think... am i asking too much? coz i've nothing much to offer either. am i pushing my luck? perhaps, but what if somehow it doesn't feel right; do you still go on? will there be the "right" one? will i have to be satisfied with someone else when the "right" one doesn't appear?

you know what, i think i just want to enjoy my life. not to think too much about this. when it's time it's time. i will know if it's her i think. i do seriously hope so. let's take it step by step.

the course of life

2006-10-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

today i learn.

不想想太多 - 蘇慧倫

i suppose i've been up in the clouds for too long thinking that i could do everything by myself. everything was great, situation was fantastic and of coz i am ALL that. the fact is, the earth called. maybe this is a lesson for me to stay grounded, keep my feet firm there. there are 5 modules that i'm taking currently and the one that gave me the shock is the very one that i thought i did best (or at least the one that supplies me with the highest chance of a decent result). it's just strange, remembering the m&o class that i have, i am a very internal person; someone who thinks that the results come from the ability of the person and very little external factors as the variable. but today i feel that it's been dashed. i'm nothing...

feels like every single drop of confidence taken away from me. i don't think i'm that incompetent but thinking it over again... maybe i am. it's the doubts that people get about themselves every now and then.

if i follow this mood i would want to go somewhere alone far, very far, just away from the people i know. to calm my mind, set everything on line again and hopefully tomorrow will be a different day. but in this course you don't get the chance to do so, you just have to pick yourself up and start running the race again. it's just not over, so not over. i'd like to believe that it's not. in the life course you may be bruised, bleeding but you just have to sustain it.

so, is it worth it?

2006-10-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

to a certain extent :D (politically correct answer huh?)

if you ask me that question regarding 18 months MBA program in NUS i'm currently doing, i'd probably pause for a while and might come up with a stupid answer such as "let's wait til i receive my first paycheck" :D while that's probably the most practical answer i can think of, i am pretty sure if you give me a couple more minutes to think i'd give you a more comprehensive better sounding and of course politically correct answer

so i'm sitting here now in my room trying to justify what probably is the biggest investment i've ever made. this MBA program is no doubt a very interesting program since what they tell you in the prospectus one thing but what you actually receive is another. when i joined, i expected an eye opening knowledge from the modules that would blast me off my seat. well, that didn't really happen if i can be honest. most of the things they teach are usually quite common sensical or just a repetitive of what i learnt from my undergrad years plus a little extra. despite the flashy exterior and abundant amount of facilities they offer in NUS, i do think that the price is waaaay too steep *i'm assuming that you're paying the S$28k from your own pocket, not any kind of scholarship.. not even father mother scholarship - the most popular of all haha..*

let's not come into any conclusion yet though, it's not all down hill because what i learnt the most is time management. if you actually do this program properly i'm betting my money that you'll probably be quite organized in a way and don't get stressed out too fast when the work starts piling. that happened to me last time, went into a mood swing of depression pondering about the mountainous readings, homeworks, exams and the impending group projectS (some of the uncooperative team members didn't help either, they argued for 45 minutes choosing a powerpoint template... ARGH! but that's another story altogether). but you know what? you'd just have to do slowly do them one by one, tackle them where you can and prioritize everything one by one. getting all frustrated about them don't really get the job done anyways, so it's better to just put on some good music, get a cuppa hot tea and start doing them one by one. you'll be a walking zombie, depraved in sleep and all, but that's quite common in this program. in fact every other person there looks like they can do with a couple of more hours of sleep :D (except for mr cg of coz, he seems to be having quite a sufficient amount of rest time, shucks)

of coz there is that part where it's also worth it due to the variety of people with different background, experiences and nationalities you're bound to meet at school. have met quite a nice group of friends where i can click quite well. strange how we are from a different part of the world but most of the time think quite alike, i suppose people are not too much different, despite the exterior.

self justification? maybe. but judging at my first 3 months here i have to say that what i learn in the program can be plotted in a positive linear graph (come on guys, whip out your scatterplots! "where izzzz your scatterploooottttt.... "- prof ou, hahaha) compared to the amount of money i spent (will be spending). i'm just hoping that the salary i get can be plotted with an exponential graph though, that would be great! hehe..

oh yah i learn how to comprehend people (notice i didn't use the word "understand" since i still don't know why he/ they - mr chindia? :D fake it at the first place when his normal engreesh is better) with bad FAKE accents too in this program, might come in handy in the future :D

breathe

2006-10-02T22:33:00.000-07:00

let's take one step at a time. don't think of all the what-ifs just do what you have to do today.

touchy touchy

2006-09-16T18:31:00.000-07:00

lesson to be learnt

it's been quite some time since i am this erm... sensitive. if a man can get an emotional PMS this is probably quite close to it. i'm just very very extremely worried about the mid-term exam that is coming up on tuesday i guess.

still on the topic of feeling insecure, i'm on the verge of laughing... it's been a week. probably it's the "mood" i'm feeling... as described in the management & organization text elaborated on how "mood" is actually a prolonged type of emotion. kind of true in a sense.

as i'm thinking of what else to write in my blog i realized that i have wasted my whole week worrying about NOTHING. i have not even taken the test and i worry so much about how i will fare in it. i suppose i still have tons to learn. not only the chapters in the textbook but also the chapters in my life. *bang myself on the wall* let's not fret about what the future might bring us, take things one thing at a time, step by step and not to jump into conclusions *esp the negative ones!* time to pick myself up! :)

lesson 1: JUST DO IT!

好久好久不見

2006-09-10T17:50:00.000-07:00

indeed....

Nicky Lee's "好久好久不見"

my plan to go home during the september recess week has been cancelled. partly because it's so near to the mid-term exams and also even if i go back i won't be able to go out much which defeats the purpose of going back i guess. o well, for now i'll just listen to this song and think of the good ol' times. *sigh* i miss you guys...

a matter of insecurity

2006-09-07T23:35:00.000-07:00

am i sufficient enough...

ask any of my friends in indonesia, they'll say that i'm a happy-go-lucky guy, does his work last minute most of the time but usually manage to scrape through with quite a decent result in the end of the day. kinduv reminds you to macgyver huh? NOT. haha..

well today i have another of those blue insecurity days. part of me is glad i'm actually taking this supposedly prestigious MBA course *that is of course arguable, explains the "supposed" word in the precedent* but on the other hand, i'm just worried that i'm not cut for it. am i even sufficient enough. every other person in the class seems like someone who excelled at what he did back at work and they look so confident with everything they do. while i am just a regular joe i guess. boy will my friends be so surprised to see how much i actually study nowadays. *sigh* but i can't lie to myself - the insecurity is still there.

one of my friends told me, "don't put a target for yourself, just try and do the best you can". talk is cheap. but what if in reality your "best" isn't even good for the people's standard. maybe i'm paranoid? maybe i'm overly worried? maybe i'm traumatized with past experiences? i don't know. i'm not sure. maybe i don't want to know. just worried when i get the results and i don't perform as expected. *choi! touch wood...*maybe i'll try and hit some books, probably it can calm me a little. haiz, to get some sort of consolation in a book, how sad IS that?

why do u have to restrain urself?

2006-09-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

quote unquote

yeah why DO i have to restrain myself? not following huh? we were talking about having a relationship and such. of course i told him my usual explanation that this is not the right time to start a relationship, yapping high and low that i'd probably jump shark later when i'm more stable in every aspect. he replied "why do you have to restrain yourself?". well if you ask me, this question is like a knife cutting butter. OUCHIE!

to be honest, i suppose i haven't really thrown myself into the "market" or even gone there to "window shop". but i seriously think that i shouldn't waste anybody's time, i'm not here for anything serious *yet* so why bother? for all you know, she can meet the man (men? if she's lucky enough) of her dreams. time is so precious, heck LIFE is so precious. let me be selfish. let me be me. at least for the time being.....

btw this whole entry is of course under one BIG GIGANTIC assumption:
=IF(spie_dee="looking", "got gal want him", "got gal wait for him")

which in my opinion as a former marketing analyst abit farfetched using whatever percent of confidence interval.....

OUCHIE!!!

coffee, tea or me part deux

2006-09-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

GUILTY AS CHARGED